do I keep praying?
desire is a treacherous thing. I’d weaned myself off it for some time— a very long time. everytime I found myself praying for something, I’d redirect them to pleas that God knows best what I truly need. I’d go silent and return to a stream of reveries. it was not safe to want something. I had wanted so many things and I’d lose them almost instantaneously. it was rather bizarre for a little kid— it was safer not to even try. but once life got just a little more safe, I tried again. I tried to desire a different life— friends, family, beautiful moments, work, a child. for some time now, I became ridiculously attached to observing what I receive from my prayers and it has been painstakingly difficult to watch. I don’t know how to say this but why do my prayers get intertwined by suffering? why does everything beautiful come paired with a lesson? why do my desires eventually become a painful loss? is this how it's supposed to be? the dance of polarity portraying itself before my eyes? ...