a daylight dream

have I lost immunity? generally speaking, yes. ever since I made it out, I have lost so much immunity with all the weeks of illness recurring every now and then. but I’m not talking about that.   I am talking about emotional immunity. they used to call it resilience, but there’s a new term coming around. I like it better. perhaps it is my medical, biological, nerdy background that loves to use related metaphor. but I am intrigued by the notion that the more you go through emotional turbulence, the more you grow stronger as a person. it is also what I like about religion. the fact that it is not easy, that you need to strip yourself off your needs and daily comforts in order to see a glimpse of unearthly comfort. the more we get sick, the more we are exposed, the more we become stronger as human bodies.   is the concept one and the same, when it comes to growing as beings? perhaps it is. because I remember when I first came here, I was so vulnerable. having lived most of my adu...

desire is a treacherous thing. I’d weaned myself off it for some time— a very long time. everytime I found myself praying for something, I’d redirect them to pleas that God knows best what I truly need. I’d go silent and return to a stream of reveries. it was not safe to want something. I had wanted so many things and I’d lose them almost instantaneously. it was rather bizarre for a little kid— it was safer not to even try. but once life got just a little more safe, I tried again. I tried to desire a different life— friends, family, beautiful moments, work, a child. for some time now, I became ridiculously attached to observing what I receive from my prayers and it has been painstakingly difficult to watch. I don’t know how to say this but why do my prayers get intertwined by suffering? why does everything beautiful come paired with a lesson? why do my desires eventually become a painful loss? is this how it's supposed to be? the dance of polarity portraying itself before my eyes? ...