summer’s benevolent gift.

It’s still summer, I know, but since I’m slowly packing my bags and preparing myself for a new academic year, the stillness of summer is waning into an energy more artful, inspired and akin to the warmth of sunshine that kissed the ground for so long.

I’m here to reflect upon this summer truthfully and transparently, receiving all the learned and unlearned lessons, unifying the experience in expression, for I know how detrimental silence is when it is locked in times it is needed to be let go.

This summer has shown me the extremes of my predisposition to linger in inscrutable realms. Something in me wanted to be isolated, to stay silent, pondering upon the glory of every atom of meaning in this universe, and in me, too. I received so much, was showered by light and revelations so profound that they would leave my heart burning for days. 

Yet, this came at a cost. By mid-July, I realised that something was truly off. I was not able to see the ordinary anymore and felt so trapped in this world. I was almost really depressed, unable to eat or drink or do anything without lapsing into discontentment. Everything felt like a waste of time and as the days passed, the pain unravelled showing me how cruel and harsh I’ve been on myself. I felt enormous fatigue, exhaustion and I was just.. dispirited; my dreams dissipating, my energy fading and my sense of self diminishing into desperate nothingness.

It took a while to remember what went wrong, but the secret is the intention. I ran into a reverie of reflection, expressing my wildest fears, bursting in tears and forgiving myself for shunning away this beautiful world from my perspective. Despite the inner world being mystically alive, the outer expression of it is the gift. This reality is a gift, and it is harsh to just discard it like this.

Midst my feelings of unworthiness, a lesson fell onto my lap— to see myself and the world the way love does. Love holds my hand and unleashes a potential of what extends to the infinite— it shows me that with love alone, all smallness is replaced by a beauty immeasurable. With love, my heart was restored and dreams came flowing like butterflies into my heart, painting visions of glory onto the light of day.

My relationship with my sister was quite weird, to be honest. I’ve never been so in touch with teenagers before, despite being one a few years ago. With my sister’s developing mind and emotional landscape, her swinging temper and weird obsessions, I had time to laugh alongside her, although I was wondering where I could be a source of guidance (can you feel the idealism?). Sometimes I was harsh, rushing her to the essence of things, touching her deepest fears and insufficiencies which made her cry, touching her sense of low confidence. At times, I let it be, watching “Stranger Things” just for her. But, I found this book about adolescence which allowed me to have much more empathy for her and myself when I was her age.

But I am grateful for this one thing— my sister learned the Qura’n. She can almost pray now. She has sensed the light of iman in her heart and there is no greater gift. No matter what happens, I know this light has touched her, and so I surrender her journey to God, with faith that He will always be by her side when she needs his infinite love.

Oh God, I’ve melted into the landscapes this summer in fullness of spirit. I could almost hear the trees telling me about their stories. I could hear the chorus of praise and exaltation. I sensed the harvest, slow becoming of autumn and was tinted by the shortening days. I spent hours and hours outside, my heart transparently alive with all that is. Despite how beautiful it is here, I still miss home, back in Egypt, where my mission belongs.

 I miss the imperfection of my apartment, how old and unfashionable it is. I miss the light in my room and the visions on my bulletin board. I miss my work and the endless walks in that tiny garden, laying down on the grass and sinking in gratitude. I used to think my life in Egypt was nothing but a graveyard of identity, but it seems that once one makes baby steps towards dreams— a place is enchanted to become a home mirrored by infinite destinations.

I’m currently working on establishing intentions for my learners of tomorrow, whom I dream of everyday. I wonder how it would be like— there are so many little things bubbling! The new student activity with the wonderful teacher I’ve been connecting with all summer, collaborating with an environmental engineer for Global Problem Solvers, working as an educator-led development work facilitator and more and more love seeping through with every year that passes by in this field..

My deepest prayer is to keep my heart open wide, to remember God and perhaps to lessen the fear I have of me.

Thank you, dear summer. You’ve cleansed me. You’ve taken me a step closer to essence; drowning me in the ocean and supporting me to the shoreline to live like I have truthfully died.

And to those fields, trees, winds and clouds I’ve seen and loved, goodbye.

No, it is not a goodbye. I’ll see you.