Enrapturing Highlights of 2023.

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alas, it is the last day of one of the most challenging years of my life: 2023– a pyramidal year. I’m posting this as the fireworks blare across the frosty skies of a town I love with all my heart, my heart breaking in infinite gratitude for this pyramid and the climb it mercifully granted.

it’s been pyramidal, that’s true. it took me to the ground to face the truths of my foundations, making me battle so much of my memories to finally be honest with myself and clip off all that I don’t need to move forwards with. that meant clipping off and dusting away my own father from my life and choosing to stay with people who I know love me dearly. it’s been traumatic, and I’m still recovering from the aftermath, but I’m on my own now, and this is my pyramid. this is my life.


my memory is a little bit blurry now after all that has happened. I don’t remember much but the incessant pain, but I’ll do my best to reflect on the happenings of each month. 


vehemently, all I return to is utter disbelief about how everything in my life led me to here, and I feel so proud of myself right now I could explode. how I truly love how kind this year has been.


January



  • battling depression from the longer time spent at home during the holiday.
  • meeting my friends and seeing their aura.
  • feeling a surge of self-love after meeting my wonderful friend, Heba.
  • telling my father about my lover’s proposal.
  • my father battling his fear of abandonment in secrecy.
  • the sheer excitement of making marriage plans with my lover.
  • surrendering to the process.
  • the blackbird song.

February



  • burning out from an intense workload.
  • discovering the toxicity in my workplace.
  • reading about capitalism and choosing a regenerative paradigm for myself.
  • losing half my weight trying to get my father to feel at ease regarding my marriage.
  • my father being extremely toxic to my lover.
  • my father’s narcissistic conditions for my marriage.
  • my battle against my father taking away my happiness, but receiving the gift.
  • finally perceiving that my relationship with my lover would always be different, unconforming to societal rules.
  • breaking down in the garden among the peach and pine trees.
  • battling my grief.
  • losing all hope that things get better, and never going to the garden again.


March



  • my body’s inability to digest food getting worse.
  • burning out and getting sick from exhaustion.
  • taking my first day off from work in three years.
  • choosing to leave work and applying for a demo in another school.
  • getting an offer.
  • Ramadan’s melancholy and extreme loneliness.
  • my father lying to me about his fasting.
  • my IBS getting worse in Ramadan and battling body pain and mood swings.
  • my lover’s distance pushing me to my extreme.


April



  • getting ill again for two weeks.
  • being honest to myself about how much I hated my life.
  • breaking down in bed and pleading with God for a way out of my life.
  • being honest with my lover about his distance.
  • choosing to try again with my father about our marriage.
  • meeting Rana and being honest together about difficult moments in our lives.
  • feeling extremely tired of trying to live another day in loneliness.
  • battling depression and anxiety.
  • losing passion in my work.
  • receiving a splendid offer from my school and choosing to stay for another year.


May



  • Eid’s melancholy.
  • the brilliant weather.
  • confronting my father about everything that he has done.
  • receiving threats and being kicked out of home.
  • choosing to try one more time with love.
  • giving love a chance.
  • my lover and I trying again with my father.
  • starting the SDG work series with an environmental consultant.


June



  • my father meets my lover and shows more of his toxicity and disrespect.
  • my intuition guiding me that I didn’t wholly love my lover.
  • choosing to end our relationship.
  • reflecting with a therapist about my relationship dynamics and uncovering new truths about who I am.
  • being a bit more honest with my father.
  • my therapist guiding me to get back to my friends and give apologies.
  • meeting an old connection and it sparking a different kind of life in me.
  • writing poetic pieces of work and love.
  • starting my journey to heal IBS by drinking kefir and limiting carbs.
  • feeling a little bit lighter and clearer.
  • the airplane ride home and how liberating it felt to be amongst the clouds.


July



  • lightness— so much lightness.
  • rekindling so much love and happiness in me.
  • taking care of myself.
  • my sister and mother’s infinite love.
  • going raw for a few days.
  • the freeing bicycle rides.
  • helping my sister regain her emotional balance.
  • feeling beautifully feminine with my soulmate.
  • my mother encouraging my new relationship.
  • talking to therapists about my new feelings.
  • writing deeply.
  • going to Warsaw.
  • the refreshing cold baths.
  • discovering meditation.
  • doing sound therapy.
  • my birthday.

August



  • intending to rekindle a new relationship in new light.
  • finding my soulmate after pushing him away.
  • incessant talks with my therapist.
  • crafting a closure letter to my past lover.
  • healing and seeing myself in new light.
  • travelling to Turkey.
  • my mother’s support in obtaining the PGCE.
  • self-care rituals.
  • feeling comfortable in my body.
  • the harvest.
  • cutting my hair in a new style.
  • self-love.
  • writing, writing, writing.
  • my father’s cruel fight with my mother.
  • taking sleeping pills to be able to sleep and withstand the toxicity.
  • receiving an offer to work as a teacher coach.


September



  • returning to Egypt and choosing to never say goodbye again.
  • my mother giving me her perfume.
  • choosing my life over again.
  • my soulmate proposing to my father for the second time.
  • my father’s extreme way of handling the proposal and embarrassing himself in the process.
  • meeting my soulmate in new light.
  • watching interstellar with my sister and shedding deep tears.


October 



  • sneaking off at dawn to meet my soulmate and running away to a world of undying sparks.
  • saying al-Fatiha with my soulmate’s family.
  • my soulmate playing squash with my father.
  • my father’s unrelenting demands, exhausting everyone in the process. 
  • my father wanting me to work for him and pay him his bills.
  • starting to get sicker.
  • going on dates.
  • changing my hijab style.
  • elevators.
  • his infatuation with my perfume.
  • the first time— the darkness of the sky as breaths collide.
  • my soulmate’s heart breaking as the sun hit my eyes.
  • seeing a shooting star.


November



  • helping my co-worker become a school counselor.
  • my soulmate getting terribly ill after being exposed to my father’s toxicity.
  • going to dream park with my soulmate and riding the rollercoasters.
  • his car holding my infinite fragrance.
  • buying our engagement rings in ultimate secrecy.
  • deciding on our home appliances together.
  • people’s support, and receiving it.
  • discovering that my father is a narcissist.
  • feeling betrayed— my father never loved me.
  • my inner child’s screams.
  • meeting Sheikh Salah at last, and naming a palm tree at al-zawiya after me.
  • the Sheikh inviting me to be a teacher at his zawiya one day.
  • my liberation— the Sheikh telling me I do not need to love my father anymore and giving me the permission to leave.
  • failing to eat for a few days in a row. half of my hair falling out.
  • a deep stomach pain.
  • both my soulmate and I shattering at the gateways of our love and meeting our vulnerabilities.
  • being so afraid to shine.
  • a tearful goodbye to my soulmate, feeling the weakness of having to let go.


December 



  • discovering more about narcissism and weaponising myself.
  • an inner child therapy session that healed my pain for a while.
  • my life coach guiding me to leave my father and prepare myself to leave for good.
  • the sun-lit conversations with my soulmate.
  • making plans, reviewing all what could go wrong and choosing to surrender anyhow.
  • protecting my inner child after all this time.
  • listening to and processing my pain.
  • calling my aunts and receiving their undying support, realising they were always there for me.
  • my whole school helping on my way to leave.
  • seeking the Sheikh’s guidance.
  • seeking support from everyone I know.
  • meeting Toqa and Mariam.
  • sharing my story and being proud of myself.
  • multiple dreams of being on an airplane.
  • my learners showing their love in beautiful ways.
  • receiving love unconditionally.
  • my Qura’s teacher seeing me in a beautiful, comforting dream.
  • the airplane ride home, at last.
  • seeing my soulmate in the airport.
  • a transformative bus ride home.
  • my mom's infinite love.
  • buying my sister a gift for the first time.
  • feeling my freedom, alas.
  • getting used to not serving anyone but God.
  • feeling the sweetness of being only His.

And now, may 2024 be a year of love, heartfully received.



going with grace in an inscrutable world.

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