a letter you never read.

these are words I’ve kept hidden within me for so long now. as I reflect midst the snow, and the aftermath of the most delicate and elegant storms, I find myself right in my heart again able to speak my truth.

now that I’m here, wondering how it all happened when I never knew love would be anything but you. I’m not sure what happened, I’m not sure where I’m going. all I have are these prayers for guidance and the relentless climb and oath to never sell the very essence of who I am.

I’m free now. I’m actually free. it tastes so splendidly enchanting. I can freeze to death in this cold and sing in the snowflake-laden roads in romanticism so loud, so pure, so enlivened by His remembrance. I’m free now and I’ve never been so.. happy?

I just want to tell you that I wish you fought for me a little harder. I wish you knew how much your disappearance hurt no matter how much I kept forgiving. did you need me to scream at you to understand? how much I needed you to lose and risk your life for me. I wish you held on to me a little bit more dearly— wasn’t this love the greatest gift in our infinite lives? and I know it’s you I’ll meet when it all ends, when it’s just this soul. it’s you I’ll see when it’s all nothing but an everlasting light.

I wish you did or said something more fierce to stop yourself from losing me. I wish you knew how much it exhausted me to keep stepping up for us, to keep believing and having faith in you. after all, it's the weakness of being human. i couldn't be a fearless soul for so long without this body begging for help.

I knew you’d always disappoint me. we were beyond the promise and the dream. but I just wish you fought a little harder for all of it.

now I’d like you to know that I needed you. I needed you to take my hand and get me through it. I did need a saviour. I needed your help. I needed you to shout and scream at me to leave my father. I needed you to help me. I did need your light. I needed more than just words and dreams. you did see how locked I was. you did not find a way. I tried so hard to make it work and you sat there watching it crumble. I needed you to be here. more than just in my heart and my head. I needed you at my doorstep. I needed you to find ways to make it work when I couldn’t do it anymore. when I had lost all hope. when I lost half my weight in the garden, watching it wilt and fade away with not a single shred of certainty to hold on to. 

I've made mistakes sugarcoating the pain, being the warrior, the phoenix, trying with all my might to live a better life. if only your love could tell that I was fading inside. I needed you to be stronger.

but it’s too late now. God sent me the gift of someone else who was able to take my hand and help me out. and now I have let him in, but not to the place which you would have called your sacred space. it feels sick at times, how all of this was meant for you. and my love now is freely given away, when it should have been you. it could have been you, here, your name on my ring. it could have been you holding my hand. it could have been your kiss. it could have been your embrace. it could have been your touch that I waited so long for. it could have been you that I plan with every little detail for a togetherness to last. it is our vision board that I’m sharing now. it is our dreams that I am preaching. it is ayla’s name in our conversations. and how it haunts me. how it kills me. how it kills me that all of these precious things were yours.

but what am I to do? I have chosen to receive God’s help when I truly was at the edge of the cliff of losing myself. I truly don’t know what there is to do left.

you should have seen me as I cut out your letters and gifts. you should have seen the grief I let bubble in me as I was packing my bags, leaving, running. I wish you saw it all. and I am grateful it was not you, for I would have never been able to step one foot out of this door with your helpless eyes. I would have hated you so much for not having the power to help me out.

and now I hate myself for missing you, wishing you were my man. the man I’d have spent more than my life with. the man I needed to protect me. and I have to see your eyes in his now. I have to see that sacred truth in someone I don’t know would ever understand.

yes, I’m hurt. yes, I’m disappointed. yes, I’ll have to live with it— all until the day we meet and it is all forgiven.

you can see now that I have to let you go until you find yourself. I am so angry at you, and I know it's not right to do so. but I won't fight for you anymore. I will stay here in my place, receiving God's fate. it's up to you to change. it was up to you to fight for me if you really wanted me.

I hate you for hurting me like this. I really wish you were here with something real. but it was not my part to tell you this. 

and just so that you know, I'm getting married on the 24th of February. I will make my dreams come true. I will be the woman that I God always destined me to be. I will live a life of service and love and I will be with the ones who love me so much. I've seen miracles. I've seen people who went out of their way to help me out. I've seen people who spent money from their own pockets just to save my light. I wish it was you instead of them all. people who led me to the Sheikh who saved me from all of it by words of salvation. people who fought for me to stand up for myself. people who really did something. people who watched me not eat for days and cooked for me. people who woke up at dawn to make sure I was fine. people who really cared and I'm just so sad it was not you. isn't this what a man should do?

shame. on. you. you made me hate myself for needing you, driving me to choose someone else to take your place.

I am receiving God’s grace even when I’m out here betraying the truth. even when I’m right here knowing it was always you. and I’ll always be in search of what I can never have. something bigger than the whole universe.