a daylight dream

Upon silence, I’m reconnected to the ocean-like wavelengths within me. Your eyes span my ethereal dimensions so enchantingly and I become a drop that holds everything here. A drop merging in drops, boundaries collapse— melting into your ever-presence. A channel between our gazes, dear one.  Love . A realm beyond our own, and I’m here in receivership, my heart overflowing in your purity, not a drop of otherness within you. All at once, I’m not sure how to be like this— in this ancient knowing, in the eternal kiss, in a coalescence of universes. You have told me how one cannot tread this presence but without God’s righteous path. A  togetherness . A bond sealed with sacredness. A right to venture deep into it fearlessly, shamelessly, boundlessly. But like this, I’m overcome with the limits of time. Tears well in my eyes for I see it— somewhere, but not here; sometime, but not now. Yet, this is the only time and space we know but have never been to. Talk to me , my love. Don’t le...

It’s August, and it is time to gradually craft intentions for the new academic year. There is still time, around a few weeks left, but visions of curious, sweet faces have been rising to my presence and it feels like the right time to thoughtfully consider them in my heart before it’s time. I eminently believe that as I introduce more and more learners into my landscape, the more the experience matures and deepens into something of divine beauty and meaning. The more I grow, the more my intentions scaffold into selfless virtues and dreams clamber upon ideals of the prayers God has willed to fulfil through my transpersonal existence. I’ve been waiting to meet this batch of learners for a time now. Most of them are my earlier learners’ siblings, and so I know most of their parents and stories have been passed on. I have a feeling that this time, my experience with them will be one of gentle ease, magical transformation and endless waves of joyful curiosity. Here are a few intentions. How...

It’s still summer, I know, but since I’m slowly packing my bags and preparing myself for a new academic year, the stillness of summer is waning into an energy more artful, inspired and akin to the warmth of sunshine that kissed the ground for so long. I’m here to reflect upon this summer truthfully and transparently, receiving all the learned and unlearned lessons, unifying the experience in expression, for I know how detrimental silence is when it is locked in times it is needed to be let go. This summer has shown me the extremes of my predisposition to linger in inscrutable realms. Something in me wanted to be isolated, to stay silent, pondering upon the glory of every atom of meaning in this universe, and in me, too. I received so much, was showered by light and revelations so profound that they would leave my heart burning for days.  Yet, this came at a cost. By mid-July, I realised that something was truly off. I was not able to see the ordinary anymore and felt so trapped in ...

Just give me a sacred dream, and a ray of light pierces the darkness of doubt. Give me a dream and my heart rises above anything I’ve ever seen before— its beat orchestrating frequencies of little steps taken with infinite love praying to be received by God. Give me a dream and I find a belonging in this world— out and about with a fearless smile, the realness of it all pierced by a potential sublime. I am transformed, the whole of me a becoming of oneness with the divine dream. Give me a dream and I unravel in aliveness. The secrets locked in my heart drowning in an ocean of inscrutable unknowingness have finally found a symphony of doing to dance to.  Oh God, I prayed for that one thing to heal my heart and you bestowed upon me that one loving dream beyond all dreams to surrender surrender to.. How benevolent you are in my despair, in my darkness, in my weakness and in my separation..

  My friend talked to me about receivership when I asked her for help. She talked to me about an open heart that sees God’s bounty and endless stream of gifts, which He created for us. My eyes watered as I listened to her, wondering how I had forgotten God’s love in my soul. I can see now my past in clarity. I remember the gifts that landed on my palm when I desperately needed them. Before my worthlessness and insecurity and excessive belief that I’m not good enough for those ideals, God has taken my trembling hands and transformed how the world saw me. I remember that very first day as a teacher on which I stood firmly on the ground, nothing but belief in God in my heart; for alone, I was insufficient to carry out this duty. It is true that the world in separation of God is small and ugly. But the world lived while holding hands with God is grand and glorious. Tiny moments in which belief transcends our pettiness shine brighter than the sun piercing through the clouds— for what su...

After experiencing a tumultuous breakdown yesterday while on the bike, tears streaming down vigorously like I’ve been holding on to pain for such a long time— my heart slightly opened up, slightly enough to reveal some light between the cracks. For a few months now, I’ve been holding myself back from expressing myself fully. Being in the stream of love, I was reduced to nothingness, weakened by the smallness of my being. There were moments that words crumbled as they tried to depict meaning, and so I patiently addressed this by staying reverently silent, repressing the currents in my heart despite their majestic unfolding. When the pain of these few weeks intensified, I felt the pain of oppression, like I was doing something wrong to myself. It didn’t feel right to reduce myself  so eagerly till there was no will, no creativity, no power left to do anything. I thought it was alright to surrender— and I did. The surrender unveiled that there is deep pain of worthlessness, and that I...

  Something new I’m experiencing is  fatigue . Deep, emotional fatigue and exhaustion from the simplest act of being invested in a worldly act of doing. A little walk in the mall perhaps, or putting up with a song or a conversation my sister likes to have. It’s then a wave of dread and separation that pushes me to want to discipline myself in isolation even further. I feel very shameful and guilty being so transparent about it. Transparency thereof is the precursor of transcendence; with this light I can see what the holes in my heart are made of. Worthlessness. Insufficiency. Separation. Back in April, in Ramadan, I felt the struggle of having to deal with my sense of incompleteness and insecurity. A grappling sensation of unworthiness from unknown territories, making me even angrier. It’s an ailment I lived with all my life. I’ve embraced it, created through it, transcended it with God’s grace— often times I just return to it again in despair. I’m my own authentic weakness w...

Over the last couple of months, I must admit I did make a mistake which I was oblivious to recognise. I thought I was doing something righteous and true, but it seems I’ve been perpetually harming myself on the way. Ever since April, I felt it in me to discipline myself by going too harsh in terms of not fulfilling simple pleasures, neglecting my needs, isolating myself from people I love and discarding anything human that didn’t connect me to absolute truth. At first, it was beautiful and purifying, filling me with essence, meaning and incredulous gratitude for not being veiled by worldly belongings. But, I was too harsh. I still am. This feeling had been lingering for a while. That feeling of insufficiency, emptiness and worthlessness. That feeling that I don’t deserve anything good from the universe unless I spread myself too think in my disciplining efforts just to have a glimpse of it and then feel an incredible, critical and eminent pain in my gut filled with guilt and shame. Thi...

  I’ve been reflecting a lot upon my path from here regarding my place in the world. Though I surrender it to God and no longer plan as meticulously as I did, crafting daylight dreams so intentionally into every little moment— there resides the will to choose correctly and I’m grateful for an insight which has calmed the storms in my chest these days. Lately, I’ve been networking with international groups, learning from their ideas and progressive views on education and reality in general. Although my mindset had exploded with new terms, a strange, unexpected notion sprang up to my heart.  I find that without scaling up my path appropriately, I feel scattered having to commit to both local and international networks of people to communicate with. There is beauty in explorations and curiosity; yet, when it comes to action, I find wisdom in serving immediate circles of society before having to dedicate time and effort to other ways of learning and service. Within my society, the...