a daylight dream

I am tearing up, recalling the simple magnificence that February has bestowed upon my humble life. As I gaze up to the kind morning skies, I feel my heart stretching wide, receiving the reinvention of my soul that has taken place throughout those days I’ve been gifted. What can I say but that February was an act of receivership, in terms of accepting and welcoming all that there is; the subtle pains of uncertainty, the fears of not being capable enough, the humility that comes with being wrong. When those waves came crashing to the shore of my mind, I welcomed them. I stretched my heart enough to accept the paradox of being human; being both the shadow and light simultaneously, and to let it flow to the shores of epiphanies and realisations. Most of all, I accepted being loved. Being in a place where I accept and welcome being loved for who I am and whatever it is that I do, was quite foreign until recently. In the arms of blessings and miracles, I welcomed them all into my heart so th...

I've always wanted to write something about womanhood, but I was always daunted by the shame of the imperfections of the process of leaving girlhood behind and becoming a woman. Now that I'm almost halfway through my twenty-second year, everything feels different, though quite the same simultaneously. At times, it feels as if I did not grow up and have remained the girl I've always been, but in other times, I do feel like I truly have turned into a woman all of a sudden. I must start off by saying that since I have lived most of my life with my father, the idea of being a woman was rather distant to me. I was raised with a lot of masculine energy, but was still given the feminine roles in the outer world. At home, I was expected to be tough, extremely hard-working, goal-oriented and strong yet, I was still told I was weak being a girl. I was told that I should be protected from the outside world, that I was fragile and soft, in respect to the nature of things. It was really...

Stumbling over the history of this blog, I was stupefied by how this blog turned from an excessively introspective diary towards a vessel mostly focused on 'how-to' posts. To be honest, I felt so much shame in sharing here what I had been going through, I didn't want to show the ups and downs that my life constituted. I felt as if sharing my downs so openly would really harm the perspective of growth, which I know now that isn't a linear process at all.   I'm here to reflect upon recent happenings, the most treasured ones, that keep me grounded, uplifted, like a spring calyx pointed towards the blue, the kind of existence I always wish to maintain. It brings me so much sorrow to recollect that in order to be enchanted by it all, in order for this budding to process itself, winters had to be recreated from scratch, in ways that often take us all by surprise. I have one week off work, since it's the midterm break, and again I am oblivious to how swiftly time has p...

Struck by the condition of those recent days, a tendency to reminisce and recollect everything that led me to where I am nagged me to run through my older blog posts, ones in 2016 and early 2017. I teared up reading to those honest posts which I had called ramblings, since those were earnest thoughts written in loneliness, introspecting, trying to find my place in the world. What struck me the most was the notion that everything I used to talk about somehow came to life, especially the positive dreams and make-beliefs; ones encompassing my vision for the work that I wanted to do, even though I was quite deranged, I knew I wanted to do something in education. Some of my ramblings, just fleetingly analysing what I prospected for my future, literally came true, and I had even forgotten that I used to think that way. Dreams of a companionship so beautiful, dreams of regaining my health, healing my anxiety and leading a fairly environmentally-friendly life (still a long way to go)- they all...

There is an unquenchable thirst for the undoing of all the knots that have been tied long ago; knots of limitations and maddening, low ceilings that call for being broken, for there is an ever-expanding world of mysteries out there, and I want to explore it all, if not through my feet, then with my bare, open heart. It's spring after all, since February is here. I have been secretly leaving the house for morning walks, sneaking into the garden and making sure no one can see me as I smile ridiculously with my chin up to the sky, resisting the temptation to twirl around and dance. I crouch down in the strangest positions to greet the young patches of grass that I hadn't seen before and walk towards the mulberry trees for a warm hug. Spring is music to my ears, a well-orchestrated dance of life, giving and receiving love in a distinct language only souls can comprehend. Spring crawls to my very bones. It bewitches me in every way. I believe the splendour is in watching every day b...