a daylight dream

  May has finally ended and I am grateful to be closing this chapter for good. I’ve reflected upon all whatever has happened thoroughly, but now I can flip the page and start a new story, discovering new aspects of life midst it all. The first and third week of May were really tough, emotionally, but I think I was just dreading my examinations as they begun, not really enjoying the process of studying things I’m not passionate about. The third week was merely me just feeling a little bit all over the place, lonely and swallowed by negative energy, due to the rather daunting atmosphere at home. I wasn’t trying to feel better or even fight it, I just let this negativity flow through me if it had to. I couldn’t really do anything about it. On the other side, there were some good days. Good days of wonderful weather and long walks around the city both in the morning and at night. There were simply beautiful moments of having iftar with my dad, gratitude soaking me comp...

I had mixed feelings upon writing this post but I was determined to write everything out so truthfully. Other than that, I am aware that writing my plans and reiterating my journey as a human being does make people feel like they aren’t alone, if they are experiencing similar issues. Many people are, and most of them are hiding within the shadows of their struggles, ashamed to speak up. But speaking up is a part of healing, dearest ones. I must have mentioned the health issues I’ve been facing the past year— the recurring symptoms, bloating, brain fog, disrupted digestion, headaches, etc. I have literally spent every weekend researching on the causes of my problems and found a million answers, but I’m grateful for the research and this open sea of knowledge. There are more opportunities to heal in such a vast basket of probabilities. However, for months, I didn’t heal— and I tried everything. I’m pretty sure it’s my Hashimoto’s thyroiditis flaring up. My intuition ...

The night in May is short and restless, very soon interrupted by a choir of birds, fluttering their light wings and melodising the lyrics of our dreams. And slowly, and quite gracefully, the sun births and sends its overarching gleams to our room, the light so swift and the colour a hopeful yellow. I wake almost so suddenly, quite surprised by the lack of darkness and the vast presence of clarity. The first thing I remember is to be grateful, for I know that the morning is always a chance to start anew and rise free from yesterday’s judgements and mistakes. It’s always an opportunity for me to be a new person, to be the hope and love that I wish could embody me and fade my humanity away, which is a disappointment, because the day brings many challenges and tribulations with it as well. However, as the sun shines and the clouds trespass it ever so gently, I’m not bothered to think about what could go wrong, but rather about the responsibility that lies within me to make it a ra...

Hello friends! I hope you’re all okay and anticipating the summer vibes as they roll in. We have a heat wave over here so it’s important to stay safe and away from direct sunshine, but of course I don’t do that. I am obviously sunburned. Anyway, I thought I would flashback to last summer’s trips because I have been awful at those travel posts this year. The only one I wrote was when we went for a quick road trip to Sandomierz in Poland but I thought, why not document the others too?  Okay so basically, I used to be a very timid person who didn’t like travelling much but I have changed. Changed so much to tell my family that we ought to go on an independent road trip to Berlin, which was only 4 hours away from the seasides. After they found it a wonderful opportunity, I sat down for a few days planning the trip and even making my own map of all the beautiful things to see in Berlin. I was a little bit anxious because I didn’t know if it would work but the good news is, it...

I am sitting now in the bus on my way back home and all I can say is that I can finally sigh in relief. It’s been a long year and a tiring one indeed. I actually feel awfully exhausted and all over the place as I am writing this, so pinned down by gravity to the extent that it feels time can never move forward and I’ll stay in the same moment forever. But now I have 7 days till my last exam and 11 days till I travel, which is relatively a short span of time, in an overwhelming way. I can’t even picture summer in my head this year, I can’t even imagine how it will be like or the kind of person I’m going to be. That’s why I’m exerting myself to write down this post because even though my summer looks like it will be purposeless and drifting, I will make it a remarkable one with some intentions. Honestly, I’m not very hopeful. I am quite sure that my health issues will continue to linger in summer and it will kill all the joy and self-acceptance and love that could ever grow ...

I think the most fascinating thing about the experience of being human is the way we adapt, practise resilience and evolve. Reading about stories of people who transformed themselves after certain experiences manages to put me in awe, as I reflect on the way it is so hard to actually change and be new people, with a different mindset and habit system. But it’s also sad. The way we change is always so exceptional and immense. After life-changing experiences, we find ourselves so new and different, and to embrace this new person is somehow rather dismantling and poignant. To wake up and live life differently, not the way you used to, is nostalgic and lonesome. It’s not easy to adapt and transform, but it’s unconditional. Also, I have noticed that people usually change after experiencing downturns and seasons of adversity. We don’t just change for the sake of a refreshing twist whatsoever, but it’s often the toiling circumstances around us that shift us to think differently, ...

She scrubbed him out of her skin, And shed flowers instead of sin, Yellow petals, one by one, Shedding like a setting sun. He was all that made her smile, Kept her awake in long summer nights, For a love like him was to stay, Nearer and closer, everyday. But soon distance evolved, Into problems not yet solved, It felt easier to stay away, Such a lament is not for display. Nights get shorter, Bodies not warmer, Dandelions in the spring, Named by the melodies you sing, And I waited for your voice, You were an inevitable choice, When choosing between, Thrilling risk and tormenting fear, But I’ve waited for so long, Dearest, is there something wrong? Anger crashes like a tide, Haven’t we agreed not to hide? Doubt, patience and a beating heart, I’ve known it from the very start, We were the magnets and the like-poles, Now life is pulling us apart from our souls, And as May swiftly rushes in, With determination and the desire...

Dearest April has swept by, everyone, and it befuddles me how every year I state that time passes so fast from January to June. It’s a good thing, to me, because I thrive when I get to experience more and more things rather than just stop time and live the situation all over again. However, I might have wanted to go back in time a little this month, given the lingering emptiness that resides within me. I happened to practise patience everyday in April. I tried hard to remain present and grateful in all situations, not thinking much of the future and what it holds. Of course, that state of wild dreaming did take me to different places and I longed to be there, but patience grounded me. Also, I tried to be patient regarding my health and I’m reaping some good results, thankfully, but I’m not yet healed and whole. I need to still be patient for a long time in order to get there, I’m sure. I tried to appreciate people more this month with the simplest ways possible; you know...