a daylight dream

I’m tired: of fighting. of trying hard to feel okay. of ignoring it. of making thing better than they really are. My head is spiralling currently, as I am sitting down to write this, allowing reality to sink in and make sense. The reality of my current situation is quite intolerable. I’m tired of having to deal with the family issues for so long; the fights and negativity. I’m tired of having to hear criticisms and harsh words everyday and accepting them, as if they were never said. I’m tired of not being able to fight back and show that I disagree with the abuse. I disagree with being put down and humiliated. For a month now, I am struggling. The inside of my mind is a haze and I cannot see the future clearly any longer. The next step forward is like a glide towards the fog, which will swallow me and direct me where I do not want to go. I don’t know where to go. I don’t know where I belong at the moment. I don’t know if I belong here with family, or back t...

The last couple of days had been rather revealing; giving me an insight of how bad I can be at taking care of myself, in terms of being a human who needs to breathe, eat and drink to sustain life, in the least. I found out that I’m pretty bad at that, sadly. I just can’t get myself to believe I fully deserve self-care. I even find it difficult to sit down and have a normal lunch because I just skip the fact that I need nutrition to function. It’s now apparent why I’ve been so forgetful, out of focus and tired lately. I just completely forgot about the fact that I have a body and that my life is not only based around my heart and head— there are also some basic needs to attend to. I forget to breathe sometimes, fully grasped in thoughts that spiral around my head, consuming my energy. Thoughts reflecting on current situations and circumstances; constantly conjuring up opinions and hypotheses about what is right and what is wrong. I catch myself in the middle of the day comp...

She is the sand, You are walking on, She is the ground, Vast enough for everyone, Yet she knows, to you, She is a planet set loose, Colliding with galaxies en-route. She is the embrace, Of the ocean-blue, Against the coldness of the stones. She is the traces of your choice, To grow old with her youth, And she shall walk with you, Along the distances of time, While two worlds entwine. She is the silence of epiphanies, Exploding in your chest, She is the vacancy that listens, To her it makes sense; The complexity of the pretence, She is the home, Your feet walk into. And she has her scars; A celebration of what’s past, A fertile ground and a sign, That she is still alive, And she should only breathe, Her exhales are the clouds. And he listens, To the threads of her stories, He weaves them into her world, She can see them in the stars, Glistening with meanings, And inscrutable wonders. I see them both, In...

I learned to let go expectations of what is to come. And by letting go, I mean truly living in the present moment and allowing my true identity to prosper and flourish as it extends to the dreams of the future, which are usually positively entwined with challenges and new beginnings. It is letting it go completely, that there is no room for a worrying notion; no space for it to weave in a new detail in the complexity of thoughts and plans. Not giving it a chance to grow and precipitate with time. It is letting go of this urge to want what is not yet granted. It is making peace with the fact that loss is a token of strength to cope, adjust and see beyond the boundaries of the blessings still not bestowed upon me. It is replacing this enfeebling desire with wonder and calmness to accept the bundle of what future holds with steady hands and jaunty eyes. Before I let go, I must understand what I am leaving behind. I need to listen to it wholly; to graciously know my reasons, to pe...

Perhaps the most perplexing emotion I experience is a fear of fear itself. A fear of unsafety. A fear of being lost and alone and drenched in confusion. It didn't bombard me in quite a long time which made me think it will be gone forever, but here it is, creeping up to me slowly, allowing me to tumble and whither like autumn leaves rustling gently with joy, then thrown away by a hostile wind, to be left on the yellow dying grass, abandoned. Yesterday, I started packing my things to head back to Egypt. To see all those bags on the floor attracts a picture of me in the airport, already saying goodbye by the conveyor belt, my eyes clouded with tears and a mind completely blocked and unable to function. Because at this moment, I don't want to leave, and I am afraid. I am afraid of going back to Egypt, not feeling purposeful, of being alone in my room hearing the ticks of the clock midst the silence in the room. I am afraid of not feeling like I belong, not being encompassed b...

Perhaps a year, or even a couple of months ago, a doubt would always visit me. It would whisper to me that my ideals and dreams are only an illusion. This doubt would embody itself in the tribulations that fear cause, telling me that my overwhelming motivation is only an elapsing fervent period of time that shall soon fade. The ideals of love, friendship, hard work, faith, leadership and all of the other unearthly values are truly awakening. I hold them close to my heart and they lead me wherever I go, accompanying my soul, to be the best person I could be each day. However, when interacting with the outside world and dealing with the negativity obscuring the pathways, I tend to feel that this is all a hoax. Despite all this, my intuition is fiery and keeps me afloat, helps me defy the ordinary and seek only what is meaningfully mysterious. Suddenly, some time this summer, after so many months of practice, I finally believe in those ideals. I believe in them so dearly, tha...

I’m back to my olden name which could perhaps surprise you. It even surprises me, but this decision had fallen upon my head in a moment of intense inspiration. To be truthful, I am passionate about what is inscrutable and finding meanings within what I do not understand. Every observable phenomenon is strongly bonded with a glorious metaphor that adds an enlightening glimmer to the world. I believe that my journey is not only to thrive because that’s only a momentary stage of life. On the contrary, it is to explore and dig deeper into what’s cryptic; the spectrum of human perception, giving meaning to the universe. Since I changed my blog to “Thriving One”, I was a little urged to speak only about what is positive and figured out, which is only an instant to be captured after many questions roaming a mind, allowing it to struggle, ponder and observe. I stopped myself from writing and being truly authentic about the discovery of what lies behind the veils of pain and resolv...

It’s a blessing to be near the sea when all I desire to do is escape; escape from the echoes sounding in my mind, colourising accordingly to the hues of my twisted thoughts. All I want is to hear a different noise, one that is flowing and ebbing— the sound of the waves crashing the shore, taking the sand away with it, leaving behind the shells and the debris. I haven’t slept, not a wink. I’m just afraid to wake up and feel that way again so I just keep consuming those thoughts until they fade away and at least at night, there is no reality to blend in— only the void of darkness it could seep away into. I even wish they were definitive thoughts, but they’re treacherously spun into a haze and I’m not sure I can set them apart. At some hour, I leave the bed exhaustingly, trotting anxiously away. Leaving home, I see the sky so brilliantly embracing day break, and it allows a soft smile to stretch generously, giving my face a different feel. However, not even this can light a s...