Tired

I’m tired:

of fighting.

of trying hard to feel okay.

of ignoring it.

of making thing better than they really are.

My head is spiralling currently, as I am sitting down to write this, allowing reality to sink in and make sense. The reality of my current situation is quite intolerable.

I’m tired of having to deal with the family issues for so long; the fights and negativity. I’m tired of having to hear criticisms and harsh words everyday and accepting them, as if they were never said. I’m tired of not being able to fight back and show that I disagree with the abuse. I disagree with being put down and humiliated.

For a month now, I am struggling. The inside of my mind is a haze and I cannot see the future clearly any longer. The next step forward is like a glide towards the fog, which will swallow me and direct me where I do not want to go. I don’t know where to go.

I don’t know where I belong at the moment. I don’t know if I belong here with family, or back to Egypt. I don’t know if I am able to tolerate the lack of love and acceptance. I don’t know if the resistance I’m experiencing is the limit— the boundary that I’m approaching. I don’t know what happens when circumstance calls for an end.

I know that the better option is to try and be the best version of myself, to attract what’s better. To attract opportunities. To heal. This choice echoes in abundance and hope and it’s more appealing, but for now, I can’t really see with clarity.

I’ll just let time pass and show me what to do. For now, I’m stranded and detached. I’m perplexed with the hate and disrespect I’m observing around me. This isn’t the life I want. I don’t want to be around this self-destruction, I don’t want to be exposed to it any longer. The toxicity is sabotaging and draining. I don’t want any of it.

But it looks like the airplane will take me right back there to the source of it and I’m afraid of dealing with it again. I’m so afraid. I don’t know if I will ever be able to stay strong for so long.

I know it will get better. I trust life. I trust the affirmations I have instilled within me a long time ago: “I’m good enough. I’m not going to listen to others’ hate. I’m not going to be affected by it. I’m not the victim.”

I won’t let myself be the victim. I’ll rise above this all and lead a beautiful life.

I dearly hope so.