a daylight dream

longing. the emptiness of beds when you’ve felt the oozing sweetness of being next to another. the shallow waters of my own breath when it felt the depth of being mingled with yours. and I’m not sure. why? I feel longing at the pit of my very bones. a longing for everything I’ll never have— the infinite in those temporary steps. no matter how hard I try to make what I love ethereally alive, there are things I attach to with your body embracing mine. 

it’s been exactly one month since I arrived to Poland and for some reason, I feel it’s been ages away from who I was. some of my perpetual anxiety is fading away slowly. and there’s relaxation in the slowness of snowfall and how it glistens in the sunlight so valiantly. I’m here to reflect on what I’d been up to these days.    a lot of positive changes. a lot of closeness and intimacy and overarching love I cannot contain in that very little body of mine. working I’m on my way to developing a solid business plan for my educational entrepreneurial venture. I’m lately giving lessons that are focused on developing creative intelligence and expression in my learners. it’s been really exciting to see them so pumped up and excited for my online lessons, watching them do wonders. probably in one month or so, I might be able to curate a programme that is versatile and is beyond academic perspectives. I hope to develop a brand identity and name by then. right now, it’s only me with my passionat

these are words I’ve kept hidden within me for so long now. as I reflect midst the snow, and the aftermath of the most delicate and elegant storms, I find myself right in my heart again able to speak my truth. now that I’m here, wondering how it all happened when I never knew love would be anything but you. I’m not sure what happened, I’m not sure where I’m going. all I have are these prayers for guidance and the relentless climb and oath to never sell the very essence of who I am. I’m free now. I’m actually free. it tastes so splendidly enchanting. I can freeze to death in this cold and sing in the snowflake-laden roads in romanticism so loud, so pure, so enlivened by His remembrance. I’m free now and I’ve never been so..  happy? I just want to tell you that I wish you fought for me a little harder. I wish you knew how much your disappearance hurt no matter how much I kept forgiving. did you need me to scream at you to understand? how much I needed you to lose and risk your life for m

  I may have penetrated all boundaries of betrayal in full force. I may have been the sun that decided to escape the beauty of a morning’s sky just because she was too fragile to shine. I may be the one who keeps trying to find the answers even through the deepest dark. it seems I am so unafraid to taste the hurt and touch its intimacy in my heart. but I also think it was an allowance for just another mistake. another one more time to blunder. to mess up. to experience what truth is not. light spoke to me in a dear dream and told me not to keep giving myself away. and what am I but love? its unconditionality, its forgiveness, its naturedness. everything it is and everything it is not. am I too afraid to love you? now tell me, dear, have I been that afraid all long? darkness exists to make light truly count.

  and there are days on which you won’t love me well. the most mischievous smirk would lie on your face for hours. a smirk of getting what you want, of feeling that intimacy of the world lying down your feet in divine worship. there will be days when your control will be everything your eyes will see. and there won’t be me. there will be days when my love will be harsh on your heart. a kind of poetic discard. my eyes will search for His light in yours. there will be days when I won’t see it anymore. and I’ll slide off towards the frost in isolation, feeling the brokenness of being with you. the push and pull. the never enough. the heights we won’t always know how to reach. the seeing of  me  in me when it should be only you my heart trusts in times like these. and it will hurt. I’ll know how to hurt you. and you will know too. you’ll know how to hate me so much that it pins me to the ground. and from the words I don’t believe to the silence of deathly tombs, I hope my heart beats just

I  feel like a fragile rose petal dallyingly tickling the boundaries of invisible wisps of air. a candlelight’s tips in an endearing intimate kiss so long to break, quite impossible, without the burning of one end. and that’s, my love, how it’s like with you. the burning of one end. how long did it take me to know that it is akin to the most absolute loves of all. how to surrender into the closeness of time, space and worlds colliding in unison just for us. they say for love, exhaust all what’s real. burn all ends. meander through the passages that take you there in naive unknowingness. how I pray for time to burn and end, for space to soften into the remaining ashes of what used to be. how I pray that at the end of all that, there’s only light— and  us . 

here I am, free at last from the chains that held me back. writing this post takes me back to the days when I thought 2024 would be sweetly special and liberating. it is a sacred year, I believe. 2023 was a pyramidal year, for sure, in which many foundations were laid upon golden grounds. the bird in me has finally found home. forsooth, 2024 is a year of heartfully receiving the gift of love. by love, I mean sacred, universal, soulful love. that one that emanates from heavenly scapes, a love that makes eyes shimmer and a face emit some kind of ethereal light. I truly pray that 2024 bestows upon my existence a halo so profound. a halo of peacefulness, and the light of being in the in-betweenness of being and doing.  I shall list out my intentions here. I cannot wait to truly reflect upon it with tears in my eyes in a year. I’m sure it won’t be anything less than extraordinarily beautiful and captivating. I intend to be in heartful fearlessness. I’ve lived most of my life in fear of disa

alas, it is the last day of one of the most challenging years of my life: 2023– a pyramidal year. I’m posting this as the fireworks blare across the frosty skies of a town I love with all my heart, my heart breaking in infinite gratitude for this pyramid and the climb it mercifully granted. it’s been pyramidal, that’s true. it took me to the ground to face the truths of my foundations, making me battle so much of my memories to finally be honest with myself and clip off all that I don’t need to move forwards with. that meant clipping off and dusting away my own father from my life and choosing to stay with people who I know love me dearly. it’s been traumatic, and I’m still recovering from the aftermath, but I’m on my own now, and this is my pyramid. this is my life. my memory is a little bit blurry now after all that has happened. I don’t remember much but the incessant pain, but I’ll do my best to reflect on the happenings of each month.  vehemently, all I return to is utter disbelie