a daylight dream

  it takes only a while for me to wonder whether I was only dreaming. was it really us in all these illicit affairs? the clandestine sneaky steps I take in the freshness of dawn’s air, the first streaks of ambrosial sunshine so sweet painted on my cheeks. the stars in your eyes that lighten up the moment I see you, and everything else so cryptically cocooned in secrets, coded in colour between me and you. how sweet october is. holding your hand in the car, a language I never knew I’d know. my touch was almost cursed, turning everything into an amusing labyrinth of sadness. but it’s not like that anymore.  convoluted, branched, soft, tight,  right . your hand in mine. our fingers melting into one another. it takes one moment of us longing into one another’s eyes to find ourselves leaning back, losing ourselves in each other’s oceans. one leap and I drown, drifting into the depths of your fingers on scared spaces of a body I always thought was out of bounds. you pull me in, your breaths

  I have few words to say to you, but much to do, and even more to express through every fingertip of mine. a prayer lost in time sent in the shape of you. a blessing. a gift that makes us become one, too. words fall apart when I’m loved by you. 13.10.2023

  it’s been as tormenting as a caterpillar’s ascent towards its first day of sunlit flights. the growing pains of moving forwards despite the cobwebs of my past chaining me down— one turn of my neck enough to show me how ugly it is, how inevitably haunting it will be, too, and that there is this one little possibility that I might never be  free . and here I go, still a caterpillar, and my head completely soaked in novel sunshine. some kind of morning glory. a bold, striking statement of enlightenment and steadfast growth. it’s downright  terrifying . and here I am, my smile as bright as this endearing October sky. I’m radiant in all the soulful abundance my soul can finally touch instead of flee away from. it’s all well. all is saved. the greatest war has commenced, and the frontline— confrontational strategies and heart-searing weapons— well-arranged. receiving grace. yet, sometimes I wonder who it is here. where do I begin? where have I gone? someone new is taking my place. someone

those eyes of yours were never dead. lurking like a ghost in even numbers, recurring decimals that never disappeared.   it was never dead to me. each time it was brokenness, every time it was the doubts in my affairs. every time an excuse of a different shape— to run into the ellipsis of a fairytale. it was never dead when I saw your body in the middle of the night instead of his. the sturdy intensity of a pillow my head sinks in. the ‘oh’s buried within me. the fire searing in your chest. the apologies I never let you have. the dream of your eyes spinning around the gravity that pins you down—  me . they say death brings forth the clear soulful wisp of truth; so maybe that’s why I had to kill you. just to see you. just to know you the same way I knew I’m killing a part of me, too. the unfixable in me is dying to be fixed. the unknown in me is screaming to be seen. the string of lights in my darkness is bursting just to glow. why did it take all this time to know? so hold me close. in

am I really the woman you see? strong, fierce, knowing. am I really all the stars in that night sky you live your days in? am I really all  that ? it doesn’t feel right to value myself this way. I’m often outside of what I called my margins of comfort, the bitterness of my broken piano melodies emanating from the soulful wounds that never got to heal. I’m used to all of that, if not more. I’m used to constantly bringing myself down to the earth, so deeply bruised, unnoticed and invisible with all my might just to say in the dark. but this is not what this love asks for me. am I really receiving for the first time? coating myself in glimmers, I shine for you. I come across as shy, and you wonder why. you wonder why I’m hiding. you wonder why I’m not more when you see that heart of me, ferocious waves at the foot of every shore. deep down, I’m so afraid. I’m afraid of messing up. I’m afraid I’m not so strong. I’m afraid I’m undeserving of all this grace and effortless pace. I’m afraid th

I wish I loved you before I learned to love through tears alone. before love was only felt after a deep, stirring agony. before love was the other side of loneliness. before it was the opposite of all darkness. I wish I loved you when love was a calming river of joy. an ordinary, palpable bounciness in my chest I feel when you call. when it was a fresh, transparent coat of paint glimmering on top of the entire world. and now I have to unlearn all what I thought was true. now I need to unwind all the suffering I put my heart through. all the winding alleyways in darkness, pitfalls in sadness, and days of not seeing it through. but now there’s you. you come here and take my hand towards a place where love doesn’t have to be so hard. a place where it can be breathed, not devoured. a cloud. a springtime rain. the full moon while it wanes. my eyes soften as I feel the grace of knowing I’m yours. a lifetime so intense in the unlearning of growing pains, and being the warm starlight I was all

you’ve arrived, my love. arrived at my brokenness. at the sealed doorways of my past. the understanding. the compassion. the warmth of healing light that comes without fighting, without trying to be seen. you’ve arrived at every part of me. the sweetness of your nurturing smile is calming. I could stand by it for hours and dive into its soothing winds. there are waters in your soul, unchartered, made just for my longing eyes. yes, I’ve always longed for a love that awakens. a love that ceases the wildfires of the past. but not so long ago, it fell into my lap that it is my hand that can tame it. my hand that can reach out to it with forgiveness and a choice to love more fiercely, yet somehow, even more softly than ever before. you’ve arrived at that one thing I might never be able to handle on my own— something of God’s light, something of His river of gifts. something you surrender to with ease—  something just like this. I won’t ever show my brokenness again, my dear. this is mine to

and I’m wrapped up in snow, torrential bouts of it, cooling the volcanic swirling swooning waves you’ve lit in me. the intensity in my eyes is burning, just waiting for yours. waiting for the catastrophic madness, the casual laser-cut sadness you inspire in me.   my steps are pointed towards mountain climbs, ever-radiant. do you have it in you to lose sight awhile? let me take you by surprise. let me melt your world into a confusion divine. I never said loving me was easy. I never said it was for the faint. not when it was meant for the depth in these eyes only I can understand. not when it meant for your heart to lapse into shores of quicksand. your sleepless night is calmed by my touch. into my chest your heaves fall, your pulses layer gently on top of each other. breathe into me your everything and I’ll know how. I’ll know how..  breathe, my love. there’s peace in knowing it was meant to be. follow the magical fingertips of my voice. follow the angelic call. the feathery lightness t

your eyes, I swear, are an infinite gateway. so dark, so brown, so beautiful. you avoid my gaze most of the time but when the magnetic pull between us leaves us in the middle of something vast, something I can’t really fathom enough to leave. it kills me— your calmness. it kills me how you only talk of things of the mind when we’re together. I smile and lapse into silence, delirious, chasing my own tails trying to get to you. you’re impenetrable. stone-high walls that I know how to shatter. only me. it kills me how you don’t leave me a chance to. all I need is that little crack in your chest to break open your heart and let it flood with waters of helplessness and surrender. that’s where home is, dearest. the softest part of you. the childlike disbelief that all this love is so near an embrace. your courtesy, throw it away when you’re with me. show me your wildest side. show me your sting. show me your everything. I’ll know how.  it kills me that I have a lifetime to get to every part

  if there was one thing I could subtract in my life, it would be  goodbye . I’m still not sure if it’s only wishful thinking, but it seems my heart could bear all the pain in the world, but not the goodbye. sometimes I feel I could break from the number of times I’d imagined saying goodbye and not seeing the people I love again. it’s a practice I’ve memorised like the back of my hand. the innumerable airport waves that never amount to anything, held back tears, children leaving their classroom doors every year. having this one last time kills everything. the nights leading up to this goodbye are painful. just as long as this one is. I’m trying to rehearse the easiest way to pass through the airport gates without flooding. I’m trying to picture what would make life easier once I’m back, not having to think about the emptiness that follows. the days I don’t hear my sister’s laughter, or my mother’s face glowing when she comes home. these are moments my heart is twisting for. I’m not rea