I wish I loved you before..

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I wish I loved you before I learned to love through tears alone. before love was only felt after a deep, stirring agony. before love was the other side of loneliness. before it was the opposite of all darkness.

I wish I loved you when love was a calming river of joy. an ordinary, palpable bounciness in my chest I feel when you call. when it was a fresh, transparent coat of paint glimmering on top of the entire world.


and now I have to unlearn all what I thought was true. now I need to unwind all the suffering I put my heart through. all the winding alleyways in darkness, pitfalls in sadness, and days of not seeing it through.


but now there’s you.


you come here and take my hand towards a place where love doesn’t have to be so hard. a place where it can be breathed, not devoured. a cloud. a springtime rain. the full moon while it wanes.


my eyes soften as I feel the grace of knowing I’m yours. a lifetime so intense in the unlearning of growing pains, and being the warm starlight I was all along.


I wish I loved you then, but it wouldn’t have been as strong.

going with grace in an inscrutable world.

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