how has it turned around?

 I sit there receiving, a sprightly, exuberant mulberry leaf drinking in the jovial sunlight of february. it’s my first time to learn to receive, and there is no ultimatum when it comes to surrender. it just is. the moment you know it, it is gone. the forgetfulness of it is leaning into being it.

all my life, I chased and ghosted power. the tidal waves of craving it, projecting it into everything, and when finding myself gazing at it eye-to-eye, I’d run away. I wanted to be anything but powerful. anything but strong. I wanted to be calm, gentle, kind. I wanted people to love me, because all I’ve ever learned is how to make people hate you.

but there were the shadows in hindsight manipulating me to be powerful all along. I’d get myself in the trenches of wanting to be invisible, and learning through it the essence of being strong. the authenticity in knowing what is true and clinging to following it even if it requires hurt and pain.

and now the tables have turned. I’m powerful. it’s all in my hands now. God has bestowed upon me some worldly means of control and strength. the only one he thought would never betray his toxic manipulative games is meant to be the one to blast it in his face.

I feel proud to be chosen to do this. I feel proud to be given the power to stop it from destroying more hearts, more lives and intoxicating more decisions. at least this power is in my heart, and I can pray for it to stay intimate with His divine light. as long as the power is in my heart, I can never go astray. I can never stop wanting to be away from His guidance. it’s bewildering that the more power we gain, the more we feel like we cannot let it exist without His remembrance in fear it would be touched by the tentative desires of this world.

His power is unreachable, and so I can only pray to keep moving along wisps of its grace.