so many tears.


 it’s been a week of saying goodbye to everyone I love here in Egypt. there have been so many tears— my learners breaking down in front of me, their tears soaking their shirts. so many hugs, so many nights I cannot sleep well in.

something divine keeps me going. 


my heart has never been that strong, shielding itself from heartbreak. it has never wanted much to be free, pushing the world aside so that it fights for itself ever so warmly. this little voice in me feels safer than before, but is often terrified by the enormity of the consequences that may follow. all it needs is to be given some guarantee that it will be okay, no matter what happens.


all these years, I thought pushing myself away in selflessness was the path to salvation, when it was in essence my life that needed a little validation. 


it’s quite depressing. all of it. but you should see how my face gleamed as I felt some kind of ethereal comfort in climbing that mountain. it feels like I’ve always wanted to do it, but never had the right reasons. all this pain and suffering I’ve handled so diligently since childhood was never enough to make me do something about it— it was only a glimmer of hope that my life could be better beyond this that opened all the gateways of what is possible.


I’m dying to leave home. I cannot utter enough words to describe how much I hate this place. to pack a few little things and literally believe that I could be out of here in a matter of days is wondrously liberating. my heart trembles as it thinks about it, but a part that has always been enmeshed and enslaved feels dreadful guilt for leaving someone who needs so much love to heal.


but I cannot take this responsibility anymore.


alas, it’s been two months of so many tears. tears of  relief, crippling fear, courage, divine love and faith. tears I could only dream of. and my life has become a film all of a sudden, and I a vehement spectator, clenching my fists everytime I’m tempted to control it.


december, duly, you’ve been a month of deep tears of gratitude. and I cannot believe my heart saw that in you back in June. there’s so much magical kindness in the world.


in a matter of days, it will be the airplane. it will be God’s mercy in all of it. it will be what I’ve always been destined to experience. 


am I brave enough to say I’m not even afraid?

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