the courtesy of letting go, and doing our parts.

I must admit that I do spend most of my time thinking about the big picture— the convoluted complexities and consequences of a single decision rippling across an entire system. since it’s been an inherent trait, I didn’t find it difficult to emerge to the adult world in that perspective. 

yet, I must say that being constantly aware of the bigger picture and to keep implying how a single action could affect the whole is an exhaustive way to be in this world. often times, I feel helpless. my idealism beats me up when I make mistakes, since they find a way to inform me about the implications of my decisions on the psyche of the ones around me. in the midst of all this, sometimes there is no right thing to do, for you do not see the preferred end goal rippling out into the brokenness and imperfection of our lives.

I’ve fallen into this trap so many times, and the epiphany guides me towards the courtesy of honouring the bubble of whole-heartedly doing my part in the whole.

idealists often lose themselves having to be the light that shines the dark in all parts of the system, neglecting their important role of being who they are, in one definitive moment, in the right place. we often find ourselves dissatisfied with being this small and countlessly forget the impact in having boundaries that limit ourselves in the here and now. we just want to be out there, spreading the light of righteousness in all things with this incredible empathy and compassion in holistically finding resolve.

this is where courtesy comes to heal this wounded martyrdom, to ease the weight of the many sacrifices we make to truly make a difference.

I arrive at my bubble today. I arrive at the limitedness of my smallness and individuality. I arrive at the courtesy of letting go and doing my part.

my role as a teacher exhausted me this year, spreading me too thin across many disciplines, trying to make a difference and fix the bigger picture wherever I was. I found that I couldn’t keep up. I found that receiving hundreds of messages from my learners, trying to empower them to solve problems, always being called to solve disputes, and running around being there for everyone truly did not solve anything.

but.. what about doing my own, limited, small part in all of this? the courtesy in respecting my space and God’s wisdom in fragments. to love and honour myself being fragment, instead of feeling the distress in not knowing how to operate within the wholeness of it.

to appreciate this fragment. to appreciate God’s beauty in me. to love the limitedness of my perspective, my artistry and the little that I am capable of. the ease and effortlessness in surrendering all the big things to Him, to His knowledge and infinite wisdom.

it is somehow the glimpse of the bigger picture moving into your world, in tandem with one little fragment in its right place, that eludes me of the enormity of my responsibility. watching the clockwork and rhythm of a change of heart manifesting miracles traps me into believing that it is all on me to spread these blessings. but, it is not like that. it is the simple, beautiful smallness of my heart that beholds the sacredness of worship.

it is courtesy that I learn again: to let the whole world go, and align a heart to its right place in His devotion.