Surrender.

-on 15.09.2019-

Autumn has deeply embodied itself into my heart, as I consciously and heartily observed those yellow-crimson crisp leaves fall on our planet’s ground. Some of those leaves even fall on my shoulder, my hands have held them and sensed their wrinkled surface, dry round the edges, full of forsaken life in their very core.

Because we are a reflection of who we think we are, I was deeply afraid of autumn. How would it be like to see life saying goodbye? Melancholic, of course. How would it be like to wake up and find it dark and the air scented frosty from the cold? The thought alone made my heart recoil in shivers.

But today I am heading on that airplane back to Egypt. I cried, perhaps more out of love and gratitude than fear. I cried remembering every moment, every wisp of love lacing the entirety of that wistful summer. I cried as I embraced my sister and mother. My heart collapsed onto itself and it felt right. I remembered the pine trees and all of the other motherly trees that have embraced me, who I have talked to and befriended, who did not judge me as I was so in despair, longing for answers in a mind full of questions.

Today, I am that autumn leaf. I have been for some time now though I wasn’t aware. In that airplane, I am a leaf that has forsaken its old life and is readily shedding, placing itself so courageously on the branch and is praying as it falls. I am heading towards the unknown, and it’s why I feel like crying. I don’t know where I am landing. I don’t know what is going to face me, what it’s going to be like the coming year. I don’t know anything.

Just an infinite realm of possibilities— the unknown.

I believe that as humans, we are all inherently and ultimately afraid of the unknown in varying degrees. As we get closer to plunging into it, our hearts race, our tears roll down, our minds embrace the obscurity of what’s uncertain. Some of us trust. Some of us refrain. But we all face it in one way or another, and it is always so difficult to be aware that we need to let go.

I face the unknown a lot. I find myself stepping into uncomfortable realms not being aware that I’ve actually trusted the outcome without knowing it. But, every summer’s end, I find it hard to trust and have faith. How could I leave everything I know here, midst the arms of family and shadows of loving trees? In the end, I do leave.

That autumn leaf surrenders. That autumn leaf falls to the ground and completely forgets where it used to be. It surrenders to the belief that eventually, its life shall manifest into a new form of life, embraced and appreciated in the spring.

True surrender comes when you step into the unknown. That’s where God is. That’s where you truly let go. And because it’s so powerful, that’s why it’s tearful.

And as an autumn leaf, I am no-one. I am nothing. I am nowhere but in this vast unknown and I don’t have to do anything. There are tears in my eyes from the glory of this moment— from the beauty that beholds everything.

But as a nothing, I am free. I am light, feathery and delicate. I am a whimsical wisp of what used to be life now floating midair, waiting to manifest something com

pletely new. This is the unknown. This is it.

This is surrender.