November: Dull Melodies of Life.

November has come to an end this war and per usual, it hadn’t been exactly one of the best in terms of pure, celestial joy thereof. I am a person who values clarity and purity in general and so to experience resistance and struggles is not exactly compatible with who I am. Sometimes, even with struggles, I make it to see the big picture, that one which involves hope and magnificence; yet other times, I’m wretched trying to find out what lessons they behold. In the end, I find out, so there is safety and peace through and through.

November’s sky had been blissfully scudding, allowing the sun to pierce through those clouds, dispersing sun rays of wonderfully carved shapes. The wind was also amiable and pleasant and it quite surprised me that there were very little hazy days this November. The weather was clear and the fading greenness was pronounced. It made it more bearable, honestly. I enjoyed my walks around my university campus, the atmosphere inspiring to scurry for ideas and solutions to problems and so on. I can’t thank the universe enough for being so beautiful.

In terms of reality, well, it had been tough. I am really challenged this year, but it is all intentional, you know? I decided to start a project at school, be a teacher and take a development course. So, I am not complaining about the amount of effort I have to exert to keep up with all those upcoming responsibilities. The downside is barely having time for myself to just experience calmness and lack of busyness, which I sometimes enjoy, but all in all, I still like having a lot to do. It gives me this sense of purpose and commitment to life, and I just want to keep creating and contributing every single day, even though it gets really hard and exhausting.

November started by giving me an opportunity to change my life completely, but then that opportunity was nipped away. The experience was beautiful, and it changed so many things in terms of the amount of honesty and transparency in my life. It made me more mature and aware of how much attention I’ve got to pay in order to form the fundamental pieces of my identity, in order to flourish as an adult who is capable and rather independent. Yet, once I realised that nothing was going to change, I felt rather downcast, along with the many mistakes and failures I am experiencing at work. It came to a point where I just believed I wasn’t good enough for anything. I think believing that I’m not good enough is a thread woven into who I am, and no matter how hard I try to change it, it’s still just a part of me. I will never be ultimately confident and sure of my potentials and abilities, so let it be. Maybe this is actually a virtue because it forces me to worry and stress about being better, which helps me learn a lot. I’m grateful in the end, for everything.

Something I am very excited for is the project I’m leading at school. Man, I am awful at leadership, but I am trying. I make mistakes organising the students’ efforts and distributing the tasks among them, but I’m experimenting what it is like to empower those students, motivate them and make them learn new skills, through and through. I am so scared about the outcome because I’m not sure I’m doing it correctly but I seek God’s support. I seek his guidance. I seek success in the aim of making those students at least feel something, and learning more about research and inspiration. May the world help me achieve that aim.

I will end this entry with a quote, from one of my favourite books; The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho.

“Believing you are worthy enough to chase your dreams makes you an instrument of God, helping the soul of the world.”

I need to therefore believe that I am worthy enough to do this. This November was dull, but it beholds many many lessons that shall leave an infinite imprint in this journey. This is verily a wonderful blessing.