More.

I always ask myself: can I do more?

The answer is not always “yes”, for some days, I feel like I’m doing well enough; my studies, teaching, writing poetry and stories, enhancing my photography and keeping up with this blog. On those days, I usually feel the acceleration of change, the force of freshness bustling into my life that keeps me motivated and eager to push past those opportunities.

But other days like today, the answer is: “yes, I can do much more.”

When I hear stories around me of people doing their best to achieve and break free from the surrounding restraints, I’m thrilled to do the same. But so often, I don’t know how. I don’t know how to take my opportunities past their level to open up new doors of possible dreams. Sometimes I think, I really want to be a known writer, or a blogger, or even be able to write regular articles to a magazine or a popular online platform. What about finding myself another job? Or perhaps going more in my current one? What about signing up for scholarships abroad?

All of these possibilities just bombard me, and I keep thinking about how to make at least a portion a reality. But I remember doing the same the last year, when I was stuck at home, doing particularly nothing but immersing myself in books that I was sick of. I wanted life, action, lessons to learn... but I wasn’t ready. And when I was, these things slowly started to come up to me.

I’m not a commander. I’m not someone who could lead life freely and courageously for I’m quite a submissive, faithful personage who believes things come in their right timing. I tend to struggle too often when questioning the chances I’ve got, but I forget to realise that perhaps there are other forces in the universe knowing how to act upon my destiny. Yes, a part of my destiny lies based on my own effort but, sometimes our efforts are still too confined and limited. Sometimes they are diminished by trauma, fear and lack of acceptance and who would be able to face change with all its uncomfortable incidents when dealing with so much emotional instability?

So yes, I believe we need to see what we could control in the time being. Visualise our capabilities both inside and out and see how they fit our lives, because if they don’t, then it’s okay. We don’t have to be ready for the future all the time, we can spend some moments preparing ourselves for the present, to work on our hearts and souls, purifying them from guilt, shame and imbalance— then life will give us more. Life will provide us with that we are able to tolerate.

Instead of wasting so much of my emotional balance thinking of what I want to do in the future, I ought to see what I should work on right now; I still sense an imbalance and instability in my identity, I could obviously do more in my part-time job and take my time developing my writing, reaching a higher level or even invest some time in practicing the guitar a little bit more regularly.

I used to hear that life is a competition for survival and I once believed it, but no longer do. Yes, we do evolve and reach further if we are more fit for the modern, ever-demanding world but that doesn’t mean those who are unfit are left out forever. It doesn’t work that way, though sometimes, we get the impression that it does. We just need to believe that we can always improve, always work on something in ourselves in order to fit in the world we belong to by listening to the omens, being attentive to our own hearts and figuring out what we should do, because all the answers lie in there— nobody will show us the way.

So if you’re lost right now, unable to discern where to go in life, that’s okay. There must be something within you that you need to figure out; whether it’s a lingering sadness, an unforgettable trauma you want to heal, an identity you need to discover or even a health issue you’d like to address. Overcoming those tribulations you want to run away from shall allow you to find a way eventually but you have to overcome them. Do not leap with ignorance, for all those ignored instabilities shall rise and leave you lost again.

So take it slow, take it one step at a time. This life is yours, you own all of its time.