Celebrating: My Birthday.

I have just finished my nineteenth year yesterday afternoon, and I am already embarking my twentieth. To me, birthdays aren't really very important celebrations because I don't believe in their significance. I mean, what does one day mean? It doesn't really make a difference when you think about it logically but this year, I have decided to actually celebrate it.

I never really liked celebrating my OWN birthday so much since I was always struggling with issues of self-worth and confidence. As my family would sing to me "happy birthday", I'd feel some kind of mountain within me trembling and shattering because.. I didn't feel like I deserved it. It was usually a moody and bad day for me.. and soon enough, my family stopped celebrating it all together and I have grown to dread it. But this year is different because I choose to make it one to remember. Idealistically, I had planned to wear a dress and look beautiful, dance to music and feel like a princess but.. of course I didn't feel that way. My sister woke up and drew me a beautiful card and I gathered all of my power and positive energy to hug her warmingly and turn on some birthday songs that we ended up dancing to for a while. But inside, still, I wasn't completely sure if I deserved it. You know, these things take time.. and by "these things" I am referring to confidence, self-love and acceptance. 

I went to the swimming pool and kind of felt really embarrassed about my body. Negative thoughts creeped up to me.. and they were all saying things like "Starve. You're disgusting. Embarrassing. Awful." and I began feeling a little bit guilty all of a sudden.. I went back home feeling a little bit blue, a little bit overwhelmed and anxious... there was this mental battle going on; the negativity winning from a side yet the positive energy shining through the gaps of irrationality and hate.

My mom took us out for pizza, and I did my best to feel amazing. I cherished the deliciousness and comfortable and appetising restaurant atmosphere.. My insides were shaking from confusion and disbelief and I didn't know how to feel.

When we came back home, I didn't feel well because of some water retention (hormonal) issues so I slept earlier than usual even though I was supposed to give my sister lessons about ecology and sustainability but I was too tired and overwhelmed. I closed my eyes and faded, feeling nothing at all.

However, today I feel triumphant. This year, I at least didn't let those negative thoughts take over my day.. yet, there was some sort of struggle. But year by year, I know it will get better. I know that one day I will find myself actually organising a party, celebrating my personal existence. I am so grateful that I exist and that I have been bestowed with the ability to sense the world so well.. yes, my ability gets out of control sometimes (hence the anxiety and sadness) but, I'll learn to use it one day. I'll learn to empower others with it.. It is possible only if I choose to do so.

So you see, it wasn't exactly a celebration but, it's a journey to one. :)