Thoughts on Emotions.

Flowers are so fragile, the same way I think I am.

I'm a highly emotional person and it makes life tough sometimes yet fascinatingly intriguing. I usually deepen my emotions to a huge extent and I get tapped into this really vast awareness of every single feeling which would affect my whole organism. Ignorance is sometimes bliss in that case, when a minor bloated feeling could actually wreck your whole mind, making you uncomfortable and weary. But other cases, it's amazing to feel so enraptured about simple occurrences when my mind is clear, my conscience balanced, my soul free.

I cannot ignore sadness and it's something I need to work on. When I hear bad news, I might appear strong and steady on the outside, while beneath this face, I'm actually holding on to any reason to be a victim; to entirely grieve and feel my heart collapsing in my chest and sense the pain pounding in every smallest unit of time existent in life's scale. I also have many inner shells of awareness, and that moment of complete sadness is usually the external shell but once you dig deeper, I'm concerned with another realisation: I need to be stronger.

Really deep down, I know that tribulations happen for a reason and they are there to test my faith in God, to strengthen my endurance and adorn my beliefs. Within this inner shell of my soul, I know that it will pass, I'll be able to cross over this temporary occurrence and grow in the very end. I know it so well, because it resonates in multiple echoes when I'm shaken.

However, when I'm not wholly captivated by these unearthly affirmations, I'm imbalanced and weak. I feel victimised, unworthy, unloved, obsolete, etc. It fills me with self-doubt because I tend to question whether those affirmations have vanished or not. Every time the negativity strikes in, I'm lost trying to ascertain my reaction.

But I think by time, I learn to define myself when facing problems. Now at least I know that my feelings pass, when I firmly act to change them by opposing the source of negativity. Perhaps as I grow up, I'll be more able to sync my disposition to my inner shell directly, or maybe faster, to lessen the time I waste in a daunted state.

Nevertheless, I love being emotional. I love filing my mind with unnecessary feelings. I love the awareness because it makes my life less empty. I'm always experiencing something; whether it's a state of ultimate peace or a mind-war. My idea of balance is rather inapplicable since I cannot find refuge in my own self. I'm always reacting to something. Always feeling. Always sensing.

I'm sort of proud of it although some days, I just wish to be ordinary. Wish to be free from this perplexing state of mind, heart and body. But it makes me have more solutions, more routes to take, more strategies, more wisdom (hopefully).

On this blog, you'll find me a wide-ranged spectrum and you won't be able to decide what outlook I maintain in life. It's overly positive in the end, I hope. But it's not definite. My continuum is rather too infinite (some infinities are bigger than other infinities).

Sometimes I wonder, who am I? And honestly, it's really exhilarating not to know because I've been just granted a a worthwhile journey and an uncertain destination. :)