an emotional immunity.

have I lost immunity? generally speaking, yes. ever since I made it out, I have lost so much immunity with all the weeks of illness recurring every now and then. but I’m not talking about that. 

I am talking about emotional immunity.

they used to call it resilience, but there’s a new term coming around. I like it better. perhaps it is my medical, biological, nerdy background that loves to use related metaphor. but I am intrigued by the notion that the more you go through emotional turbulence, the more you grow stronger as a person. it is also what I like about religion. the fact that it is not easy, that you need to strip yourself off your needs and daily comforts in order to see a glimpse of unearthly comfort. the more we get sick, the more we are exposed, the more we become stronger as human bodies. 

is the concept one and the same, when it comes to growing as beings?

perhaps it is. because I remember when I first came here, I was so vulnerable. having lived most of my adult life in my head and heart, unexposed to experiences and changes, I was shocked by the tremendous flexibility one needed in order to interact with people, and life in general. it hurt me so much. it felt as if I was literally inflamed all over my skin. my heart hated it. it got hurt by the mildest comparison or mishap or word said or not said. every little challenge, even in marriage, made me break down. I was not used to how big life truly was, being cocooned and wrapped in bubble wrap all my life. thinking about it now, I was so scared. every little parabola was magnified in my perception so much that it protruded my literal body.

slowly, it became a little better. for starters, I had friends; though my first hiking trip with them was a disaster. perhaps I fared well and made them all happy, but I was devastated inside. I couldn’t sleep, thinking of all the unknowns and the responsibility I carried on my shoulders. I thought this life was all about me— my choices, my actions, my responsibility. I still struggle with that. I struggle with letting go and relying on God’s power in this universe. but that’s not being immune, you know. being immune means we are truly and inherently fine and unscathed by life’s turbulence. we know there’s a higher power governing all that is. a universal intelligence that knows more than we could. emotional immunity makes us have faith that setbacks are but favours concealer in temporary bitterness.

now, at work.. I’m still not fully immune. I’m trying to be. still, I am overstimulated and feel attacked by all the changes and demands of that job. I come home and die inside wanting it to stop. wanting to grow thicker skin just to feel less attacked by feeling needed all the time. my insufficiency and flawed nature truly shatters me, for I’ve always had time to make sure I appear to the world perfectly. but now, it is ever so hard to know how to be that— perfect.

and so, that is one of my deepest prayers. to be emotionally immune. I feel that the more I experience and the more exposure I get, the stronger I am. my sensitivity is a gift, it truly is. but it comes with a terrible price to pay. I’m still wondering how I could balance my sensitivity and need for thicker skin in order to truly live in this world. I’m still wondering how to be emotionally immune.

the only answer is to live and to love— freely, fiercely and fervently. to make time for repair and recovery. to find “me” in the hustle of it all, and know that perfection and flawlessness is but an illusion. to know that this existence is nothing compared to God’s light. and to focus on that— the energy, the flow, the light. 

and I should be just fine.