lessons of this Ramadan.

twenty-nine days have passed. twenty-nine lessons, or probably an exponential multiplication of that number. this Ramadan was quite distinguishable. quite unsettling and like always, hurting the ego to extents one can never predict.

I learned that there is inherent weakness in me.

this Ramadan, I got sick three times, each time lasting a week or so. it was a substantial blow to my health which left me feeling profusely weak and deranged by the last half of the month. I was indeed thrown off by the fact that I had to break my fast for a few days to maintain my strength and be able to take medicines to feel better again, and that I didn’t like. through that experience, I learned that humans are inherently weak after all, once they rely on their own strength and power. a surrendered state is the most glorious of all, I believe. however, finding the remembrance in one’s heart is God’s will, and we just have to be patient enough to find it.

I learned that I need some feminine adjustments.

my work is currently extremely exhausting and it has dramatically decreased my passion for my home. because of how hard it is to be present with the children all this time uninterrupted, I come home and find myself in desperate need of sleep which somehow fragments the quality time I have with my husband. also, my weekends are for chores and meal preparations which I feel is effortful, to say the least, leading me to losing some of my already diminished feminine aura. and so, I have decided to work part-time and create more space for me to feel at home, rest and move my body gracefully. I’d like to also maintain my friendships and community which does need time and effort. finally, I am not a woman who only values work. 

I learned the beauty of patience.

this Ramadan taught me the beauty of patience. somehow, these two years, I’ve lost my ability to be patient for now I am in control of how I choose to reward myself which I try to do more frequently, as I heal my depression. I found myself a little nervous since I didn’t have much time to drink my coffee or have a mindful snack since I had so much to do. but, in the end, I would tell myself to be patient. it’s okay if I don’t have my coffee today, I can defer that reward for another day or week. it’s been a mindful practice which I hope to carry with me this year. 

I learned about the sweetness of having a cave of aloneness.

reading Surat Al-Kahf today, I realised that we all need a cave to retreat to every once in a while. this Ramadan, I decided to pray my taraweeh in the silence of home, and it has allowed me to reflect upon the quality of my aloneness, which hasn’t been so rewarding lately. am I grateful? am I grounded and at peace? am I slow and loving towards my soul? these are some questions I have come to ask myself. I intend to create a cave of personal decision-making, intention crafting and worship all alone. a cave of de-influence. a long time without social media. simply existing through God.

so there, despite it being a harsh Ramadan, I have learned so much. and now, I look forward to my qiyam, fasts and abstinence beyond the month. it is quite nourishing for the spirit, subhanAllah.

may God reward us with rivers of endless love..