Intentions for 2019.

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I apologise for not writing too much lately. I’ve been rather distracted, you know? I have so much going on in my head to the extent that writing down my thoughts gets quite chaotic and I don’t want to share such a disordered array of thoughts because, it’s not meant to prove anything in the end.

2019 is here. It sounds weird, doesn’t it? Plus, it’s another fresh page where I am going to lay out my dreams and ideals freely without constraints of past errors and mistakes.

I intend, this year, to be more free. I’ve been needing that a lot lately. I always tend to put myself down with worldly goals and tokens of success when in the end, they don’t matter. Sometimes I get too carried away and take success seriously; doing what it takes to be perfect and what not. However, life means more than just that. Life is the balance acquired in between, and without it, I will be bound to lose something in the end. I know that I’ve been chasing perfection because I want to prove that I can actually accomplish something, but, I don’t need to, really. I’m sure I don’t need to. What matters most and what is essential is to stay curious, stay open to learning and acquiring new knowledge, without having to shine bright everyday. I am allowed to make mistakes. I am allowed to be free and soar above all worldly things and only be attached to the higher causes in life.

You know? Being attached to worldly things is a vicious cycle. It makes even more attached to the demands of everyday life, which I’m not accustomed to. I keep worrying about simple things like food, sleep, the future, money, career, family.. etc when all aforementioned things are actually out of my control. All I truly need is to focus on what is present and giving it my all. Giving it my whole self. That’s it. I used to be like that when I was 16, and I was at my happiest. I’m willing to grow back to who I used to be then, given all the changes in circumstance.

I intend to be more passionate about learning, no matter what it is. My university courses are not that thrilling, yet that doesn’t mean I should discard research and further reading. I should willingly be passionate about all gateways to streams of knowledge. I should be keen on understanding and opening up my mind to crosslink all ideas together and have this compounded and reinforced ideology. I enjoy learning immensely and want to not only apply it to myself, but to others, through my work at school.

I intend to speak up for myself a little bit more? I find myself accepting pain easily. I don’t mind it when others disrespect me because I always put others first, even when I shouldn’t. Slowly, I’m learning to believe in my authority but I still have a long way to go. I’m sure it will come slowly but with an effort to exert, and perhaps it’s something worthwhile to work on, especially in our society.

In the end, I intend to love myself. This is the hardest thing in the whole world. I want to finally believe I’m good enough. I want to believe that I deserve to be loved no matter what I do, given all my imperfections and mistakes. I deserve to give myself more care and love, truly. I believe it’s vital. I speak about it a lot but I fail at doing it myself most of the time. I need to practise self-love and care whenever possible, whenever needed, because I need to remind myself that nobody will give me support unless I believe I’m worthy to accept it, if not provide it myself.

So, there. My intentions this year are mostly spiritual. They are related to peace and content, rather than worldly ideals to chase. By the end of 2019, I would love to become a soul that could soar to purity and utmost levels of honesty. I would love to become the difference I wish to see in this little magical world.

I hope I’m ready.

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