empty spaces.

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today, I found myself reverent of the empty spaces my newfound life has bestowed upon me— spaces that have given way for this catharsis to take place. the emotional upheaval, incessant pains and surfacing fears. 

I still notice that I’m fearful and judgemental most of the time. it requires so much effort from me to mindfully stay present, relax— soften.


years ago, I discovered what softness really meant. melting into oneness, the present moment, aliveness and beingness. it’s such a subtle sensation, but when felt, it captivates me and lures my mind to keep chasing that state, for it is truly the most beautiful thing I’ve ever felt.


I miss this kind of softness. I caught myself melting into it today on the metro, on the ride back home. my body took less area in space, my soul shined through. it felt quite surreal.


back to the empty spaces. so, every time I stray, I remind myself that I really need to heal. I don’t know what it means, but my inner child truly wants me to prioritise loving myself. not necessarily through actions and rituals, but by feeling it more deeply. reminding myself to heartfully see through myself, acknowledge my efforts, praise my intentions and feel fervently grateful for being alive.


there are so many veils separating me from this state of being. my health, which is not often so stable, the water retention leaving me puffy and heavy and the debilitating stomach pain, it just makes me judge myself wondering if I’m not doing things right. also, the fact that I have a long way to go in terms of discovering myself— passions, hobbies and crazy fetishes. I’m rewriting so much of who I am.


that is why there are those empty spaces— to fill them with the fluidity of life. experiences. love. memories. softness I pray for.


oh God, guide me towards healing. surround me with omens that show my heart the path that I need to heal the impact of what has been. I beg, plead and fall to my knees..


what do I need to heal? 

going with grace in an inscrutable world.

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