a daylight dream

it’s the first time in so long that I decide not to do a detailed, comprehensive month-by-month reflection. to do that would feel like a soulful homicide, having to reminisce all the burdensome memories of last year. of course, in hindsight, so many beautiful things have happened, too. despite the hindrances, I’ve come through with beautiful achievements. it’s beautiful how it all connects backwards, only in hindsight. also, I am grateful that I have worked on all of my intentions which I had pinned down in this blog, and it is rather miraculous that the events somehow added up to allow them to take shape.  today, I just want to share all the positive, magical memories of this year because recently, I have become entranced by God’s mercy in this universe. chanting Al-Rahman Al-Raheem after each prayer, I found myself in tears, connecting to that core value in me that I have abandoned for some time which is how I love noticing mercifulness and the universe’s gifts. it was a ha...

this is something new; I never wrote down lessons I learned in a specific year. but I believe this year has shed so much of its wisdom into my heart and I would deeply want to recount them and remember how harsh they were to learn. all in all, 2024 was a year of choosing love. it made me realise how hard of a choice it is, and never what it seemed. one, when picturing love, sees it as a blossoming heavenly state of existence. however, my soul and spirit have been through hell to see what love really is. in theory, it is lavishly enthralling to write poetry about. but experiencing it is was quite an unpoetic state of being. that’s that. and so, here are some of the major themes and lessons I’ve learned in 2024. weakness and smallness it’s the first time to feel severely weakened by turbulent emotions. I’ve always considered my sensitivity and emotionality as a virtue instead of a weakness or source of shame. those qualities are still there for a reason, but they worked against me in try...

here it is, another wave of depression throwing itself at me. it appears out of nowhere, or perhaps, from behind the smallest trigger that lurks in the background of everyday life, paralysing me completely. my mind does a painstakingly accurate job at scanning every moment, looking for the cheapest evidence to prove I’m not good enough. and when that happens, I crumble down and my self-esteem shatters like bits of ice under my shoes. all the progress I made those past few weeks dissipates into thin air, and I find myself starting rock bottom, trying to find a new angle to tackle this healing journey with. for three days now, I’ve been in bed and I haven’t left the house. the overwhelm was staggering, and the mere thought of having to wake up and do something was adequate to bring me to tears. it felt terrible, and perhaps the worst thing about those moments is that you don’t know how to explain it. you don’t know what’s wrong. yesterday, in order to sleep soundly without any of those n...

November was real, authentic and quite different from all the other months. I believe it is one in which the veils of sadness and weakness finally faded, by just a little. but it made me find hope again, and for that, this month is a merciful gift for my healing. I have so much to reflect upon, and as promised, I won’t let one month go without depicting its sincerest, most secretive ways of giving thanks. so many weekends away.. what made November special was that both my husband and I spent so much of its weekends away, travelling. first it was visiting my husband’s sister, then visiting my mom. the weekends away were quite tiresome, but a tiredness I needed to stretch myself a little. I honestly felt like I wanted to go back home most of the time, to feel more safe betwixt the boundaries of my routines, but it was an experience I needed to shake things up and help me recognise my limits. I used to be one who loved exploring a lot, and would thrive on adventures. however, I am in no s...