a daylight dream

there’s a wall between me and the world. a homesickness. a familiar understanding between the isness of all things and myself, but in my heart, in my home, this humanness is deeply flawed. I don’t belong here; midst intermittent laughter, commentaries and cacophonies of doing. I belong in a state where I am listening to meandering comets in their breakthroughs and grass blades in their breathing growth. I am an unparticipant in many eyes.   I find my purpose and leave. that breaks a few hearts. that allows mine to bleed much more, as I realise how deeply unsatisfying the triviality of ordinariness is. I write stories in my mind and manipulate reality so that it is infused with morality. you may call it apathy and recklessness. I call it art. I call it what I am here for.   I am most myself when I am alone, listening and writing stories in my head of what life wants to be like through me. I am the pause between brushstrokes and sentences. I am the nothingness that blends into s...

  opening my eyes, the more life brims with liveliness, the more I realise how much I have yet to learn. it’s been a while of beautiful, gentle and ordinary moments. still, I cannot seem to handle that ordinariness with ease.   it somehow slips through my fingers, that kind of effortless living. the mannerisms of family life, the sharing of beingness with dear souls and the constant showing up for love. I’ve known love in fantasies and sunrise stories, but showing up for it and sharing my heart is an ordeal indeed. I find myself more prone to disappearing and drawing the blinds when the monotony of everyday life becomes my reality. when love becomes the only demand, and the sharing of it the only prerequisite, I distance myself to open skies and tidal waves. I try to remember everything that flaws me. the more days pass by, the more I discover I’ve never been loved in my early years and so it is so damn hard to share a love I’ve never had planted in me. I constantly have to fi...

today, I turn twenty-six. time passed so fast and I had spent the last six months being quite unproductive, settling in newer ways of living. I haven’t even got myself to plant some seeds, and I consider today an opportunity to do so. I am heartened by another opportunity to right some wrongs and turn a new leaf. I pray to leave those years of unworthiness and fear behind, impelling myself to step into lighter ways of being in this world, stepping into powered surrender and receiving the infinite wisdom of my soul. at twenty-six, I pray for a heartful maturity, find my authentic path. this year, I intend to find an authentic path which leads me to a beloved vision I have for my future. meaning, I truly want to grow my business and learn about breakthroughs in education. there is something exciting in forging a road-less-travelled-by and at my little project titled Ecoligence, this is exactly what I am practising. yet, I cannot muster dedication and energy to build myself towards newer ...

leaving my twenty-fifth year behind feels more like a blessing, since it had been a gateway to so many closures and in turn, many beginnings. yet, it seems that a good closure is needed, with so much unlearning to do in order to call in a new start, which is a blessing I am in deep need of. it has been extremely eventful and beautifully melancholic in that way. sometimes I cannot believe I am here, married to a wonderful, loving man here in Poland, having left many of the toxic situations that were pinning me down. this circumstance is almost one I could have conjured up in a fleeting dream, and idled upon it for some time. it feels truly liberating to be here and now. yet, with liberation comes responsibility, and that is the most formidable part. all my life, I’ve never been in the driver’s seat of my life. I was always a wave in the river of difficulties, flowing, creating as little fuss as I could. that now, is changing. I am not a wave but a current, too. I have some kind of vecto...