a strength you’ve never seen before.

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 I think I’m allowed to be strong now. and God, isn’t that petrifying?

there’s so much rage in every single atom in my bones. I could slam into things and watch them get destroyed. those eyes can pierce into his cruelty and undress them into fierce nakedness that he’d find nowhere to hide. I see you. and he’d run.


there’s a strength they’ve never seen before.  a once volatile, fragile little thing holding on to the softest rose petals has turned into a colossal storm. my breaths have become so heavy, dense and solid with accusations and weaponised punch lines. it’s vast how far pain could go.


I’m glad I’m enraged. it hurts to say it— but I missed it. it’s like I’ve been looking for my rage for such a long time and it hits home to feel it, like a missing running vein in my system has sparked into life, streaming forcefully, bruising everything in its wake. I don’t mind.


my eyes tear up now, partly for all the things I’m excited about, and partly for all the other things I’m allowed to feel now, unlearning all the falsehoods I’ve learned to believe. and oh, isn’t it exciting..


you’re not allowed to touch me now. there’s something you can’t touch, even if you could touch the entirety of my body. a body that had been bruised, hit, slammed, shoved, pushed and controlled. a body that was forced. a body that was drained. a body with so much credit left to be repaid. 


but you can’t touch a heart that is ready die for this. you can’t touch a heart that knows the truth and has awakened in its light. you can’t touch a heart that fights to see only love. and only God. you’ve forgotten that my heart has never seen a place for your cruelty. it may have saved you a place for compassion and forgiveness, but it has also decided that these things must  come both ways.


and you’ve forgotten that I’ve battled so much on my own, and it has made a vicious warrior out of me.


and you’ve forgotten that I’ve seen death and have even chosen it.


you’ve forgotten that I’d forsaken everything for a glimpse of God’s light.


perhaps there are things that you’ll never understand about this life.


and so, I can literally proclaim that there is nothing I’m afraid of. you can kill me if you’d like. I have a heart that has already killed itself. I have a heart that has already seen death, and so it can never die.

going with grace in an inscrutable world.

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