bursting visions.

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 It’s happened to me the first time in October of 2019. 

I’d be sleeping soundly when all of a sudden, I wake up with a jolt, my eyes filled with tears and my heart being ripped apart with deep longing and intense waves of love.


Sometimes it’s a dream, but I must say it’s not. It’s something beyond that. I’d not be seeing anything before that moment, but when I do open my eyes, something just falls into my lap. An intense dream-like vision of a timeless space where transformation begins.


Just like today, I woke up before 3 am, my body squirming as it comes alive after a deep sleep. Instantly, I’d find myself streaming with a knowingness so profound of some experience that will change my heart forever.


It hurts. My chest collapses and I keep turning, feeling resistance to what the mind cannot comprehend. I cry because it transforms me, this knowingness, and I stare into the blankness of the night with such helplessness, not really knowing what to do.


I’m not afraid, but I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do when in a timeless dimension, hearts are open wide to serve selflessly and there is no fear. Perhaps some sacrifice, some acts of ruthless compassion, but so incredibly filled with surrendered love.


I’ve come to be used to this kind of feeling— it’s ever so lonely when I’m the only one awake, tearing up desperately to stay nurtured by God’s wisdom. I surrender it. I need to.


And now, I’ll sit in my room by the nightlight and calm myself with some water, easing the fire of my teary eyes. I sink in gratitude and ask God to help me get by the day, for there is really nothing one can do after being shattered like this.

going with grace in an inscrutable world.

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