A Letter To My Future Self.

I got this idea to write my future self a letter. It's bizarre, I know. But, I want to read this letter in five years and smile, knowing that I have grown in many ways but at the same time, stayed the authentic self I have always wanted to be, just as in touch with my inner child and most dearest dreams. I want to see how much love I was able to give for myself and the world in the coming years. There is not a better time to write it down, in the midst of uncertainty, global changes and new beginnings.

I poured my whole heart into this. :')

Dear Soraya,

I'm writing to you before the turn of the new year, on the sofa in the living room on a warm December night. I am getting teary-eyed watching you right now, so full of love, your eyes sparkling from authentic joy and unconditional kindness. You're right where you belong, my dear Soraya and you have found your home.

I want to come close and give you a tight hug for opening your heart to love. It was so difficult back then, wasn't it? It was so tumultuous to accept and receive love. I can see that you chose to be vulnerable with the people you trust. You chose the path of healing and facing your fears rather than hiding from them, behind towering walls of toughness and competency. I can see that you're no longer trying to prove your worth to everyone, you're not trying to cross limits over and over again just to show the world that you deserve to be happy. You've let that go, my dear. You're clinging to validating yourself through and through, confronting your inner critic. I can hear you stopping yourself when this judgmental voice in your head gets too loud. I can hear you talking to yourself calmly, walking through your emotions that feel so much guilt and shame at times. I have connected to your soul and can sense that you're truly joyful and equanimous, full of acceptance and forgiveness toward struggles and pain. You take things lightly, and believe in the wisdom that governs this universe. I remember how hard it was before to be conscious and aware of your needs, you used to be restless and reckless, not paying attention to how you truly feel about things. I can see that you no longer bite your nails or shut yourself out. You're here, in the present moment, integrating your whole self into life.

I want to tell you that I'm so proud of you for you've broken that tedious, haunting cycle that used to run in your family. Despite being tempted to shut love out of your life many times, you chose to hold on to the person you trust. You believed in him, you believed in the person you love, even when he had nothing to offer. You believed in his inner power and strength and trusted the balance he would help you grow toward. You held on to him, Soraya. You held on to love. I hear you being vulnerable when you're feeling so shameful. I hear you being honest and showing your true self, even your imperfections. I see you listening to him, accepting his own imperfections, going past the temptation to reject in him what you reject in yourself. You reflect together, make plans, and live wholly. You accept and receive his love, which was once so difficult. You show your love so freely, unconditionally, despite both of your mistakes. I hear you spending hours resolving arguments and finding a middle ground. I see that you're both growing together, gracefully and slowly achieving your dreams towards that common vision you've always had for your life. You're both doing the work, showing up for what means to you the most even though it's challenging at times. I can see how you support each other when things are not so crystal-clear. I see that you sit down on the stair-case and sing songs, despite being so insecure about your voice. You write to each other letters. You do the little things which spark up joy and love, and create your own, unique, unearthly experience. You've held on to the man who loves you for who you are, Soraya, and I can't believe you did it. You've held on to the man who pushes you to grow to be more compassionate and graceful. I am just so happy for you because you deserve it. You always have deserved love, but you have come to harness it. 

I laugh when I see your magnetic energy! You seem to have never grown up with the way you talk like a child, do those ballet moves and dance whenever you want to. You've healed your hypothyroidism completely and have skyrocketing levels of energy. I love watching you take care of your health. I love watching you spread awareness on how important it is to be healthy, holistically. You make time for herbal tea and breathing to take care of your body. You take those extreme cold showers and rarely get sick, without taking a single pill. You believe in your body's innate intelligence to heal itself with utmost love and acceptance.

I find myself shedding tears when you look into that mirror and love the reflection staring right back at you. You used to hate yourself so much, Soraya, but there is no space for that in your life now. You smile at your own reflection. You appreciate your own body and you feel at home and at peace. You know you're flawed, but your beauty is unique and it comes from within. You are glowing, even with your imperfections. You are beautiful just the way God created you. You finally left this self-loathing behind.

I want to congratulate you for doing so well as a teacher, my dear. Those learners, they will never forget you. You've loved them with your whole heart, you cared for their spirits before their minds and left such a long-lasting change in how they viewed the world. You are working so hard to learn newer things and implement them in what you do, just to add value. I can see that you love being in service, and you do it with your whole heart. You're not afraid of taking risks when it comes to shifting paradigms, you're always on the lookout for what's not mundane, for what is impacting and empowering. I am so grateful that you started working in Intelligent Change in London, and you're somehow living the life of your dreams, humbled by gratitude and equanimity. Even though you've grown a lot, you still feel like a beginner, down to earth with all there is to learn and take to life. I can see that you're working on developing an educational framework that educators around the world can use to make a difference and impact future generations to embrace humanism, elevating collective consciousness. You've grown into an empathic leader who is confident, empowered and a huge believer in ideas and transformative routes for action. You work tirelessly to deliver excellence and put your heart into your work. You're gaining wealth and using this money to invest in yourself and family, to make this world a better place. You know that you're not going to stop learning, and you still believe in studying in Cambridge. :) You have finished writing your book and on the edge of publishing it. Wasn't it always your dream?

I know that you've always had problems in your family and I'm so proud of you. I can't believe you've completely forgiven them. You are not even waiting for an apology because you know it was never personal. You accept your family the way it is and have established better boundaries and no longer accept or listen to criticisms. Even when situations like that happen, you have learned not to internalise it and find better ways to regulate your emotions. And because you love yourself now, you no longer attract those kinds of lash outs. You're so close to your sister, which used to be a fear, right? Now, she considers you as her best friend. She asks you for support and guidance before she takes decisions. You've taught her about God and the many life values that have helped you thrive. I'm so grateful that you believed in this hope, that things would get better. I'm grateful that you worked on yourself and believed that it wouldn't have to affect you for the rest of your life. There are some scars, but you're stronger now. You have reprogrammed yourself and I'm speechless. 

And now, my dearest, comes the most significant part of your journey. You are actually able to give back to your society. You're planting fruit trees for your community, watching passer-by pick on fruits and children climb the trees in joy, the bees and butterflies have filled the city and in spring, your efforts have turned this city alive. I am so proud of you, trying your best to be a better teacher, adding value to your students' lives, embedding in them a passion for learning and self-discovery. I can see that you're out there in the streets, doing charity, helping people out. You show up for those in need whenever you can, even if it's with a listening ear or a smile. I love seeing you arrange marathons, gather children around nature, and show up in start-ups that need support. You have an open heart, and it wants to keep giving and giving till the day you die.

Thank you. I want to thank you for believing in yourself. I thank you for exerting the effort to show up for your dreams and get outside of your comfort zone. All of the things you're doing now so effortlessly once felt so distant, but you just keep taking the leap. Thank you for hustling. Thank you for your unconditional love and service. You're making the world such a better place.

I love you with all my heart, and always will, 

Your past self.