Secrecy.

I love that this love is a secret. Unbeknownst to ridicule, conversations and dialogue. Something that was meant for just you and me, something a little bit more than stolen glances and broken smiles. Something just a little bit more than that.

Because it's a little secret in my mind, making me acknowledge that the world is easier to fight with you devotedly by my side. Inside, with the little cloud of understanding you allow to linger, it's easier to know that I'm alright, that some things were meant to take their time, and that strength is the only thing that can keep me from adding insult to injury in this troubled path of mine.

And I know it's meant to stay a secret for a while still. Even in a long time, an eternal part of our story will be a secret. On pictures, we are just glamorous, laughing, adventurous people but never have I ever before known that just a gaze from eye to eye can emit messages a million light-years would never dare to try with. And our gaze is unbroken, even with eyes closed, looking in different directions. In the background, it's still a guiding us.

It's the young you. It's the you writing nonsensical letters and wrapping chocolate as gifts. It's jealous you. It's protective you. It's glorious, ocean-deep you. On the other side of it is the me I've been all along and we fit together imperfectly, rearranging some patterns, molding into one another eventually. That's the secret they would never know.

The secret is that I stopped myself from loving you by rejecting the thought of you. I pushed you away. I am a mad woman and I did terrible things just so that you wouldn't stay, but you did. You stayed all those years and I wonder how possible it was for you to hold on to me. Perhaps I did just the very same thing, obliviously, ignoring it like I always do when I'm mad at myself.

Although I'm mad at myself most of the time, when I do see you, there is a calmness that spreads through me. There is this how are you which is so sweetly uttered, deemed useless considering how well I know what's on your mind. I know your very own soul so closely that at times I think that we were never apart, even all these years.

And this time that we will spend getting ready feels enough because I need it, too. I need this secret. I need this secret to come home to. I need this secret to remember not to be mad at myself. I need this secret to remind me that something exists beyond just pictures and smiles. There are untold I love yous haunting each smile in these albums. The day we swore each other faithfulness and loyalty is the day secrecy and intimacy was, too, sworn.

And I am smiling at the thought of this. I smile appreciating all that has lead me to this.