Resilience.

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I'm a fairly resilient person and it rather overwhelmed me back then, because I didn't know who I really was; my identity was lost in betwixt the many people I knew in my life. In a room, I'll shape up according to the people I find there; their attitudes and dispositions, because I don't like conflicting atmospheres. You would find me talking to you about silly matters so feverishly yet inside, I think I'm wasting some valuable time.

I don't really believe in horoscopes but, I'm a cancerian, which means my star is a water sign. And to be honest, I'm so much like water. I shape up accordingly to the container I'm being poured into. I could be a river that flows in grace, a current vigorously pumping, an ocean flowing, raindrops pattering or even vapours ascending. Im so versatile and you might not notice it especially if you know me so well. But inside? Well, it confuses me a lot for some days I spend wondering who I really am and whether the thoughts occurring to me reflect my real character. When I'm hurt and stuck in the night weeping, I tell myself that this isn't me; I'm a happy, cheerful and positive person. In contrast, there are times when my joy is unstoppable and I wonder if it's a permanent feeling, because I've been worse off.

So the Soraya I am is usually affected by so many external cues; the weather, kind of people I spend my time with, vibes and so on. And it's rather tormenting because my identity stretches out too much and thus I become flexible and resilient. I don't know if it's a good thing, but the negative side is ever so prominent. I'm trying to work on finding balance within me, within those fluctuates of disposition and character.

Perhaps this is only growing up, and one day I'll find myself truly "me". Perhaps it's because I don't have enough emotional staples that guard me against the wicked negativity. Sometimes I miss love in proximity, hugs and pecks on the cheek, ones so warm and endearing that melt all the pain away. I know I'm being so dramatic so I'll end it here.

These days, I just want to be out of the house and do something daring with a beautiful weather like this and primarily because I really want to seek the positivity and beautiful things in the world. My home at the moment is just full of negativity, family and financial burdens. It's too much for me to be stuck in a vicious cycle with all this apprehension. I should be stronger and more grateful because I admit, I'm better. I feel better than before, at least more grounded. At least I know my quest in life even if it seems so far-fetched; I want to make this world beautiful and rich. I want to be the person everybody needs in terms of emotional warmth. I want to be there when you need me. I want to show you that love is free, you don't need to cry or long in order to be loved. I hold a love inside me available for everyone (except for, sometimes, myself).

I'm here and I'm willing to shape you up, too.

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