Dear Journal,

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"17.06.2016
My mind shift is not altruistic enough for this world as its too huge, too soaked up in shame, rust and ignorance. What could I do to change it? I feel this threatening duty imposed on me, to actually reform our world. But how could I do it when I need the reform myself? I'm too bad and needy myself. I feel like I'm slowly disintegrating.. And become a part of this unmerciful society. I want to change a lot. It's so discouraging to live all your life a mere consumer, unable to give back, and too tired of counting the bounties and just not able to repay them.
Even when I grow up and seek independence, how will I ever be able to give back? How will I bring justice and enlightenment to those in need? I haven't discovered myself yet, I believe that hitherto, I shall find my cause, but that feels so far away.
It's a shame to see that many girls my age had already impacted the world. I feel so small.
I learned a lot this year, and a deep scar has been imprinted in my insides. I learned so much about reality and growing up. I learned that fairy tales don't quite exist, and that sometimes life gets so complicated and unromantic that the notion of being hopeful seems like a joke. I also learned that time heals a lot, and it ceases the pain, but it cannot erase the past unless you have firmly let go of all its complications, and time is a fickle friend, too, it cannot be fully depended upon for it slows down and accompanies you in your slow pace, instead of speeding up the process of recovery for you. Time will move on, and so will you, but don't you ever wait for time to dislocate you from this past-dwelling disposition. Moreover, this year showed me that social life is necessary, even if I am not that sociable type but being around people allows you to figure out omens, and communicate, channel your feelings accordingly to the atmosphere, and just disconnect from your aches, if any are present. Somehow, this year taught me to be me, because this dilemma of seeking intelligence is a lose-lose situation. I was meant to be poetic and impractical in many ways, I cannot just shift my nature into someone I wasn't meant to be. I think I wasted a lot of time trying to be intelligent instead of relaxing and attaining a calm attitude that would intuitively allow my creativity to find its ends, but I didn't, I disgraced and humiliated it until it cocooned to a place I hope I will be able to uncover some time soon. I also learned to trust myself and to avoid routines and to do lists from masking my intuition and my present needs. How many times did running seem like a disgruntling morning routine? How many times did I tempt myself to do maths instead of playing the guitar? I am rapturous that I gave up running in May and tried ballet, found my passion in dancing, it did really carve a difference.  I learned many things, and made so many mistakes that I kind of regret, for I waited longingly for this year to achieve more of my potentials and reach higher states of enlightenment, but instead I diminished and cuddled in a black attire in the blooming springs. I'm sorry. I hope I grow up and learned from this hideous mistakes.
I'll look back to grade 12 as one of the most tiresome year of my life. I hope the future uncovers its secrets, and that I learn to cope with reality's haphazard events and bemusing incidents. I hope I am strong enough for what's to come.
All I know is that I really want to teach, and shape up youngsters to become value-based and principled. I am currently smirking at my idealistic perspective which shall never prosper looking at today's generations! But I think I'll have fun. I love children, and I love being loved, it's something that will heal me, after this long period of deprivation.
InshaAllah, of course."

So this was one journal entry I wrote when I was reflecting upon the year I had left behind since I was already taking my exams and it felt like I had made so many memories to be remembered and to be honest, they are truly ones to be recalled and learned from. This journal entry involve me learning that I had to accept my abilities since I was quite deranged as I wanted to be more intelligent. I also took my abilities past my zeal by my uncharacteristic ambitions, I wasn't really made to be a high achiever and whatnot, and it didn't give me the joy I had expected, compared to the one I feel when I write a poem or a chapter of a book, or have heart-wary conversations with loved ones. I quite regret wasting all the time I had studying too much instead of using my creativity to conjure up works or art. But still, amidst that mess, I was uninspired and I don't blame myself at all.

I hope I learn to trust my intuition, the one thing that truly defines me and reflects my needs. It's awfully stressing and heart-wrenching to follow voices that do not syncopate with your soul. I need to leave behind my perfectionism and be me, and only that.

What's past is past.

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