Forgive Me.

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What if you're upset?
Like really really upset. Darkness a veil surrounding your heart beats. Each time a muscle contracts and the blood rushes in, it gets inflicted by this greyness, and so it fills you up.
What if you're upset for no reason at all? What if it's just your mind that's unable to feel right, while the rest of the world is trying hard to please you?
What if you feel like something is wrong and you don't know what to do?

You wait, wait and wait. You get better eventually, then it comes again and again and again.
You start to lose hope because, it's just you. The sadness is your identity. Those episodes of joy are just fake— it's what you start to believe.

What if you stop replying to emails and texts? Lose interest in your passions? Feel detached from everything around you— the world becomes a playlist of mundane occurrences?
What if you just stop feeling all together? What if you just want to.. stop it right there?

Because you're tired. It's your fault. The world is beautiful but you can't heal your mind. There's just fear around every corner; you're afraid to step out, try and fail. You're afraid to live and smile in case it all leads to the same darkness again.

You fear the vicious cycle. Find the deceit in the fleeting moments of joy. It's exhausting, painful and hopeless?

You are scared of your own identity, of what you can do, of what you can feel. You are sorry for burdening those who care. How can you change this? How can you escape away from your mind? Your thoughts? Your own self? How and how and how.. and when?

When will it be over? When will the pain cease? When will your mind start to accept things? When will it just end?

What if you end it?
All by yourself?
At this point, you're in control. You're the fullstop in the vicious cycle. By one last heart beat, it can stop.
You hear yourself screaming in the background, crying, panicking, heaving and just struggling by all means. You look in the mirror and see ghosts surrounding your reflection. Ghosts of your memories, insecurities, people who had hurt you, people you hurt. You're tired. You don't see a way out. Is there a way out?

At that moment, I let the tears smear my face. I let the sensation of the sadness soak me. I apologise to God and tell Him to forgive me first, hoping he'd allow me to forgive myself. I sleep until the next day comes, it gets quite better. It ceases. I'm hopeful and I write positive blog posts. But then it comes again, and I don't know what to do.

I let go. I let go of humanity. I decide to live with all my effort until my stored energy depletes until I'm nowhere but in the heavens and figure out how I should have escaped this.

I hope He forgives me.


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