a daylight dream

seven days have flown by. how mysteriously cunning time is when it is tied to a significant value? it does not overlook its need and paces forwards, oblivious to our miserable failings to make it right. Ramadan usually brings me a lot of anxiety, especially before it comes. even though I train myself to stay hungry most of the times and eat one meal a day, I still feel the fear of that gnawing pain and lack of energy. perhaps it is what scares me most— feeling out of control. there is no longer energy to embody certain intentions and mindsets. the mind is wandering and dozy. I envision myself praying the right way and find myself unable to remember what it is I prayed for. it is that particular lack of perfection that I am mostly afraid of. especially with my new demanding job, Ramadan is not that easy this year. I would say it is sweetly easy without the gruelling pains of a distorted gut syndrome, which has healed beautifully over the years. I need to be awake by 4, making suhoor for...

  it is all I ever did. surrender . I let myself go along the gears of a stubborn, fierce death. death of all needs and desires. death of a love I thought was eternally written in the stars. alas, it was not meant to be. I surrendered to the path foreordained. God gave us signs to hold on to one another in gardens and through mellow, gentle sunlight. but once the grass died and the weeds overcame the young seedlings we sprouted— I knew it was time. my heart whispered what I never thought could ever occur to me. it knew I needed a transformation. I could not keep going, I could not allow those cycles to keep reiterating. I was meant to break free. disenchant the curse that was spelled on my life. and God gave me what I always needed. I know I hurt you. but I only did what was right.  I followed the signs. a heart that knows God sincerely trusts His imprint in its world. a heart that has known love knows when it’s time to let go, to surrender to its creator. we have known a love...

it's okay. thinking about what you've said, I can see now what you mean. I didn't know you'd be reading my blog, I knew someone was reading it and it drove me insane. at first I though it would be my father stalking me or trying to find my whereabouts, and so I tried to hide.  but you, reading all this, well.. it would be strikingly difficult to read. and for this, I am sorry. you can notice that I haven't been writing so often. even journalling is arduous when you're present and real and floating in the arms of time. when I'm planning bike rides around the city and its farmlands with the women here, climbing mountains, going on 10-hour hikes and beautifying my home, it's hard to find time to write. and even though I deeply miss writing, but I somehow don't find a reason to.. it's okay.. it's a new era now. I do not have to be all things at once. but there are times when I sincerely do want to write. I go on bike rides and churn my heart for ...

it’s september, not autumn yet, but it is slowly haunting everything. the light is golden, warm enough until it is captured by a gust of winds. it’s enchantingly beautiful but it also signals the end of it all— the joyous spring and summer, bike rides and meetings with friends till dusk. however, it is the beginning of many other memories. cozy, elegant coats, candles and all those books to read. there are things to be grateful for in autumn, too. my only intention this autumn is to truly enjoy it. I want to feel at home here, even when the sunset arrives too early. I dream to soak in the beauty of golden afternoons, mesmerisingly captivating with all the leaves showcasing their loving farewell. I dream to honour the time spent indoors sipping coffee, chamomile while reading a good book. it’s an invitation to something more than just spring and summer. it can be different this time around. I don’t know why it scares me, to have little sunlight abound. I wish I knew, but it somehow trig...

sometimes, it's not me. those are not my tears. it’s those of a broken one, hidden deep within me. how did I survive those days without a single cry of help? how did I get by without entirely forsaking myself well, I did, didn’t I? the woman I am is but made of shards. fragmented, soulless, painted by scars. this is not who I thought I was. where did that effervescent optimism go? I used to speak of dreams, hopes and brighter tomorrows. now, it is but a golden cage. spiralling in stories of how I was not saved. memories of me scarring my own skin. dreaming of death, a locus on which the path ends. I have so much to be grateful for, I know. yet there is a cumulation of dread named after everything I've witnessed before. never being safe. always trapped. the gush of air needed to survive. I want to move on. I want to put that past behind me. yet, there is so much to undo. so much to feel. earth-shattering grief. everyone tells me to stride forward. don’t you see my vision boards ...

invisible. invincible, too. I turn into a fort. this solitude, once saved me, you know. it became my home of dreams and make-beliefs. torrentially heart-warming fantasies. and now, reality . sweet. blessed. but exhausting . once I was a committed audience,   now but an actress. I dream to go home, even while I lie in arms of the one I love. I dream to be where I don’t anymore. when I don’t have to make this real, when my dreams could float into scapes of reveries. how can I be who I am? how can I be that unspoken, that chimerical? but I’m expected now to live up to love. with courage, through my flaws. but this is not what I want. my solitude tastes of abandonment, but the bitterness is what I crave. the over-indulgent spiral. and never wanting to be saved. he looks at me with his sober eyes, his words sweet, his arms safe, still I let go. still I hold on to what I know. tortured, left behind, invisible. almost a figment from a faraway land. I want to be like that .

reading “The Myth of Normal”, I came by a page which described depression as a suppression of emotion, the distancing of one from their feelings which would cause a calamity in certain situations. somehow, it rang a bell. it made more sense to see it that way. if you go through my old blog posts, you will definitely come across posts in which I’m apathetic, distant from life, untouchable, and far from being loved. starved— essentially. there would be other posts, in the same months, in which I am extremely grateful, upbeat, dreamy and alive. remembering the past decade, I can tell that more often than not, I did not want to keep going. I wanted to lock myself in the room and die slowly. cut myself from all worldly ties, all attachments and fade into oblivion. however, I couldn’t. I had to survive somehow. I had to shove away those dark and twisty feelings and create fresh ones, even if they were mostly delusional and based on fantasies and dreams. the moment I felt safe in 2024, all th...

  in my new life, one of the most starkly noticeable changes is the evidently increasing number of worldly attachments I am chained by. perhaps it is what makes life so different. a nostalgia drapes over me when I reminisce how it was like before, having let go of everything this life has to offer. I had and wanted nothing. my soul was close to death all the time, envisioning it, embracing it. I didn’t have anything to live for— everything and everyone I loved was a bridge to the hereafter. now, there is more to live for. a beautiful home, a warmth I was starved of. an angelic kitten. a bicycle. and all those beautiful roads by the countrysides and forests. I get why Sufists let go of all worldly belongings and attachments. they do it for the world acts as a violent veil, blinding the soul from seeing Him. it’s such a treacherous enslavement, to love the world deeply but forget its Creator for a while. it hurts my heart everytime I return and remember. I wonder what it would take t...