a daylight dream

  the more I become emotionally stable, the more I realise that my only measure of healing is to feel the tension consuming my insides melt with softness and ease. there is more of this sensation now, but I still cannot fathom how to get there. the only way I can truly find it is through surrender and the fading of all my doings. the secret to healing is quite inscrutable, for it is a secret. everyone can letter out infinite ways to heal, but everyone has his/her unique path. mine is of softness. it is my innate power which I had glimpsed over and over again. I had a conversation with a friend last evening and I found myself asking, ‘ how does the healed Soraya look like? ‘. I was baffled to hear her saying, ‘ the healed Soraya will be powerful and soft. ‘ it is true. I find myself most powerful when I melt into the softness of being carried by God’s light, my doing and toil fading, unrecognised as they float along the currents of surrender and letting go. I can feel more of it now...

  احبب ما شئت فإنك مفارقه.. there is so much hesitation in this heart of mine. tiny little parabolas that alternate from fear to doubt. there is so much to comprehend and ponder upon before filling the heart with a worldly commitment. there is an ongoing comparison— is it for God, or is it for the temporary self? sometimes I get too tired when I can’t make a decision. I isolate in despair, waiting for the heart to speak. sometimes my judgement is clouded from all the coping mechanisms I’ve endured and I fear, I don’t always see the truth. recently, I reflected upon how I can’t seem to rely on temporariness to be alive. I do not trust people’s love, even if they claim that it’s infinite. there’s always loss lurking in the corner— I keep my space, always. I don’t get too close to loving eternally when I know that I can’t. perhaps I’ve made this mistake. I claimed infinite, unconditional love was my path. but as long as I’m here, it is not my choice. I cannot rely on myself toiling fo...

  I looked up at clouds so celestially beautiful for the first time in months that way. that dreamy, starry-eyed way of longing for meaning and purpose and a glimpse of the foreordained. questions lap back and forth the stormy waves of my mind and I let them go in desperation. but still, they’re hauntingly blue. they look for their homes in those beautiful, otherworldly skies. then I saw the beaming light of those healing June clouds. they floated above each other in a sacred dance at sundown. I gazed lovingly, looking for myself in those heavenly mirrors. and what I saw was gratitude. how grateful I suddenly was. a serene kind of grace and forgiveness for all what is not, still. and what I needed all this time came in sight. dear God, I’m grateful for not having what I need. it occurred to me that the readiness of my soul is essential— one of the greatest misfortunes in life is to have an ocean of gifts and still hang on to the shores. to have God’s signs but not see them with one...